Two words that have changed my life forever, it was two words that I had been thinking about for many years, and that I never had the courage to say out loud to myself, or to anyone else. It seemed so pathetic to me at the time that this one simple phrase could cause so much fear and anxiety within me, but it was the power and meaning behind these words which made it feel like everything around me I knew would change; now that I had finally come to terms with who I was. Those two words that I said to myself for the first time as tears ran down my face, those words being “I’m gay”.

“Your character is defined by the decisions you make when nobody is watching you” - quoted my high school swim coach while inspiring my team with a story about character.

This quote has been one that has stayed with me for years and only now do I realize the various dimensions it holds. I’ve been a human for 22 years so far, both a student and an athlete for 17 and various other identities within this during my life so far. Over the past year, as my mental health journey began feeling like a roller coaster, my decisions when nobody was watching became that much more important.

Katie Meyer, a Stanford soccer player protecting her cage while enduring the unbearable pressure to make sure perfection is achieved until March 1, 2022. Morgan Rodgers, a Duke lacrosse player always presenting a smiling face, hiding her anxieties and complex thoughts until July of 2019. Robert Martin, another lacrosse player who shocked his community with the depression that took his life on April 1, 2022. Cameron Burrell, the fastest college runner could not outrun his expectations of greatness, lost August 9, 2021. Harry Miller, an Ohio State football star recognizing his mental health battle and stepping back to reassess his priorities. Caitlin Bracken, a Vanderbilt lacrosse freshman who realized stepping back from athletics would allow her to jump forward. When will enough be enough? When will help be provided and people feel comfortable accessing it? When will these players who took their lives be your teammate? Your friend? Family member? The struggling in silence has got to stop. Our student-athletes are being murdered by their own thoughts of perfection and expectations.

There is a mental health crisis in this country, and we cannot shy away from confronting it. For me, it hits close to home. I have written openly about my own mental health struggles in the past, but I feel compelled to share more about my own struggles with mental health to continue highlighting just how real this is.

Growing up, I was a model student and athlete. I always got good grades, never missed swim practice, and figured out very early on how to balance the two. I also didn’t have much of a choice – my mom was my high school math teacher and my dad was my club swim coach. By the end of senior year, I was ready for a change of pace and didn’t know if swimming in college was going to end up being the right decision, as I felt I might be done with the sport.

I want to take the time to acknowledge the long-overdue recent attention about mental health in athletes. I don’t want to just talk about it. I want to scream about it. I want to cry about it. I want to be able to be angry about it. Athletes, teams, coaches, all are and rightfully should be devastated about the lack of support given within the sports community. It took losing and continuing to lose many precious lives because of the very real stigma that exists within mental health and sports. To the NCAA, or any divisions: Athletes are REAL people. They have REAL problems just as everyone else does, on top of their education, on top of extracurriculars, on top of work, and especially on top of sports. Athletes are someone’s daughter or son. Someone’s brother or sister. Someone’s teammate or classmate. Not just a number on a jersey.

Those people didn’t know that stepping on the practice field or game field every day presented a practically crippling mental battle. They didn’t know the loss I felt every day going through drills trying to dig up that passion I had when I first fell in love with the sport— and coming up empty-handed. They didn’t know that this caused me to have an eroded sense of identity, dangerously deteriorated mental well-being, or be a broken version of myself. They didn’t know that I had almost completely lost my will to continue on.

These last couple of months have left the student-athlete population with heavy hearts. How many athletes does it take for something to change? With the alarming number of student-athletes who have recently committed suicide and in honor of May being Mental Health Awareness Month, I thought it was time to stop being silent and to share my personal experience with my mental health as a student-athlete. This month is about getting rid of the stigma surrounding mental health. I want to share my story and help normalize the conversation. My hope is that student-athletes can feel more comfortable asking for help when they’re struggling. There have been WAY too many student athletes struggling in silence. We need to normalize the conversation. We need to do better.

For Katie, Sarah, and the rest of us ❤️

Winning at all costs is what is ingrained into our brains as young athletes from the time that trophies become involved. Dedicate your life to your sport and it will pay off, sacrifice anything that doesn’t make you better. The same tune played over and over again at every level until you hit your breaking point.