We Are People First
By: Nicholas Lee
TW: Mention of suicidal ideation and self-harm
There is a mental health crisis in this country, and we cannot shy away from confronting it. For me, it hits close to home. I have written openly about my own mental health struggles in the past, but I feel compelled to share more about my own struggles with mental health to continue highlighting just how real this is.
I am 25 years old and can remember struggling with my mental health from as young as when I was an 11-year-old. When I was 17, my anxiety and depression became extremely debilitating. However, I was so adamant about pushing through and remaining stoic that I refused to ask for help. It reached a point in which I could barely function. I did not know how to communicate how I felt and turned to self-harm just to feel something. I began to disassociate from reality, and I had suicidal ideations. I reached a breaking point and thankfully asked for help. I started seeing a therapist and taking medication for my anxiety and depression.
While this crisis intervention was incredibly helpful for me, I continued to struggle with anxiety and depression. However, I barely saw a therapist throughout college until finally beginning therapy consistently again in August 2021, prior to beginning graduate school. I still struggle with my mental health daily and cannot remember the last time I went through an entire day without thinking about my anxiety.
I recently asked myself, “What is the root of this anxiety?” I realized that most of it is tied to performance, whether it be in academics or sports. For as long as I can remember, my self-worth has been directly tied to my performance in these areas. They are so fused together that they are almost one and the same. I put down my tennis racquet in November after nineteen years of playing the sport as I could no longer take tennis's physical, mental, and emotional toll. While I love the sport dearly, the amount I have pushed myself in the sport has led to a chronic neck and shoulder injury on the right side of my body. I feel that when I play tennis, I am not respecting my body.
When I played tennis collegiately, my results often dictated my happiness. I dedicated little time to focus on my enjoyment of the sport as I was so caught up in trying to get and maintain a spot in the starting lineup. In school, getting good grades was also crucial for my happiness. In high school, there was an obsession with grades. When I did well, I received praise from others, and I craved external validation. When it comes to finding a partner, I sometimes fixate on my appearance and body, worried that I am not attractive enough or good enough for the other person by not meeting a certain idealized body image.
Whether it is sports, academics, or relationships, I have an immense fear of failure because of what I think it will mean about me and how others will view me—that I am somehow inadequate. I let myself become defined by what I do instead of who I am.
As a graduate student studying mental health counseling and sports psychology, I am passionate about working with athletes on their mental performance and personal growth. Just as important, I want to make sure that they are prioritizing their mental health and well-being and feel supported as a person. However, sometimes struggling with my own mental health leads me to doubt myself due to how I have negatively internalized what it means to struggle with mental health. Sometimes, I feel the need to put on a façade that I have all the answers and have it all together. I sometimes ask myself, “Who am I to help others if I struggle with my own mental health?” I am often still afraid to admit that I have these struggles as I am worried that others will see me as less capable, unreliable, and a potential burden.
Struggling with mental health can be scary. It can also be lonely and isolating. While this is something that so many of us experience at one time or another, society has engrained in many of us that we are supposed to put our heads down and push through. Don’t ask for help. Figure it out on your own. Don’t burden others. Don’t show weakness. Man up, Don’t cry. Don’t show emotion. Don’t ever doubt yourself. Just be confident. Don’t make a mistake. Don’t be a failure.
These phrases will probably resonate with many. Yet, how these phrases and the messaging we have been indoctrinated with that have taught so many of us to define ourselves by our performance and the alarming negative impact that can have on mental health are things that we often suffer with alone, in silence.
How can so many people share a common struggle and we are lacking so much community? What will it take to truly begin prioritizing mental health as a society and to do the work necessary to impact systems and culture in a way that is better for the mental health and well-being of all of us? Every single person will struggle mentally and emotionally at some point in their life. It is inevitable and is a part of being human. Yet, as a society, we hide from this reality.
Seeing Instagram pages such as Morgan’s Message is inspiring and makes me hopeful that the world is becoming more open to these difficult conversations and that this willingness to more openly discussing mental health will positively impact the lives of so many. Their work is a reminder to me that I am more than just my performance. I am more than just a student and my work. I am more than just an athlete. I am more than just a body that needs to look a certain way. I am a person first. At the end of the day, we are all people first.
