Filling Up Your Pool

By: Amanda Foster

“Your character is defined by the decisions you make when nobody is watching you” - quoted my high school swim coach while inspiring my team with a story about character. 

This quote has been one that has stayed with me for years and only now do I realize the various dimensions it holds. I’ve been a human for 22 years so far, both a student and an athlete for 17 and various other identities within this during my life so far. Over the past year, as my mental health journey began feeling like a roller coaster, my decisions when nobody was watching became that much more important. 

At my lowest, I decided to stay in and open up within therapy, choosing to not completely suffer in silence and lean on support. I advocated about the hard stuff and let some other swimmers know how messy things could sometimes get while staring at a black line for minutes on end. This, to me, was priceless.

Swimming has been a source of therapy for me forever, a place I call home and a community I have loved ever since I was a little girl. 

One of my favorite identities has been that of a teammate; the ability to not only lead by example and work really hard, stay motivated, optimistic, and driven for myself but also for those who wore the same caps that I did. 

I was “the swimmer” amongst family and friends for as long as I can remember, “the athlete” as I am reminded by the simple food choices I make even after I was already retired; I was tired of being put in a box just because I was an athlete. 

After I had touched the wall of my last collegiate race, it was surreal to be done. There are so many mixed emotions I could ramble on about but one I chose to hold onto is awe of how I navigated those waters. 

A final season full of ups and downs, of wanting to soak it all in but more interestingly, how my decisions I was making when nobody was watching me were the most prevalent in allowing me to continue getting in the water. 

When the perfect storm of external situations swirled into waves of depression and anxiety last spring, I had to choose to get up many times from the floor after breaking down, questioning how I could feel so uncertain about who I was. I soon realized entering my final season this year how impactful my mental worries drained into my consistent safe space - the pool. 

I have always loved finding my niche on the team and being versatile in wherever I landed best amongst my swim & dive family. This niche of mine landed me in the longest and typically most hated events - the 200 butterfly and 400 Individual Medley. I also dipped my toes into the 500 freestyle and the 1650 freestyle, but I grew to love them.

When I started hopping in at practice or off the blocks in those long races and the questioning began bubbling back up in my typically natural positive spirited mind, wondering if I could finish and how I’d get through it - I knew I needed to make more decisions when nobody was watching for the sake of my own mental sanity. 

As a teammate, you want to show up and give your all and do whatever you can for your team, to persevere even through the most grueling of practices and races, to bond over dreading a hard set or meet line up. When your teammates look to you to show up with the optimism and motivation you have always given when others most need it, it is satisfying to be able to give those attributes to your sports family. 

However, when you inconsistently are not showing up for yourself in your own head, you must find it within you not to pour from an empty cup but to figure out how to refill your own cup before worrying about sharing with others. 

That is not as easy as it sounds.

Thankfully though, despite the pressures us humans, us students and us athletes put on our already weighed down shoulders, there are tools and support out there. We must all recognize that we are so worthy of receiving and utilizing it. 

What this looked like for me was often calling my parents on my walks from practice to my apartment and being honest with them about how I felt on meet days.

For me, it was silently visualizing every race I had in my final season countless times over again and again to the same song with the same timer going before our meets, mentally preparing to get my hand on that touchpad. 

It may look like deciding, when nobody is watching, to email your coach and let them know how you are doing.  Telling them what events you should potentially be considered and not considered for, despite the ache of wanting to always be a great teammate and doing what’s best for an ideal lineup. 

There could be days when you have to tell yourself a thousand affirmations: you are capable, you are worthy, you are resilient, you are valuable and you are loved. These words still may have trouble sinking in, despite wholeheartedly believing them, but keep at it. For you, and for your loved ones. 

You may have to skip out on some gatherings to recharge or go practice on your own one day because the potential of getting lapped that day would mentally destroy you. 

You can let others in when you’re not okay. It’s okay to not always be okay. Even the most positive people have pain in their paths, we are all humans first and foremost after all. 

Long before and long after you climb out of that pool of your final race, please remember the importance of you. Nobody can watch the decisions you make inside your head, the environment you set up in there in which others assume your external character must always match. Strong mind, then, strong body as I’ve told myself and others so many times. 

Choose to always keep your own cup filled no matter if anyone is watching or not, decide to choose yourself always, the human that you are, because no matter what your bio on your roster says or not - you are so worthy and matter so much.