Open Letter: The Truth About College Sports and Mental Health

By: Ally Spooner
Republished with permission from, I Said What I Said

For Katie, Sarah, and the rest of us ❤️

Winning at all costs is what is ingrained into our brains as young athletes from the time that trophies become involved. Dedicate your life to your sport and it will pay off, sacrifice anything that doesn’t make you better. The same tune played over and over again at every level until you hit your breaking point.

I was going to win at all costs. That’s why I put myself through two complete ankle reconstruction surgeries and a life-saving heart surgery all under the age of 20 to be able to play my sport. I no less than tortured myself mentally and physically to be the best, to get where I wanted to go, and to reach my goals. My entire life was my sport. My whole identity was being an athlete, I knew nothing else. I willingly gave up so much of my childhood to achieve this all-encompassing goal, getting to play in college and then going pro. I got halfway there.

I was raised on a field, where my main life lessons were how to tackle harder, run faster, and do whatever it took to beat the girl next to me. I was taught how to be just as good with both of my feet, but not how to ask for help when I needed it. I was taught how to suck it up, not how to tell someone I was not okay.

I was quite literally told by some of my higher-level club and college coaches that I had no value to anybody unless I was healthy and playing. This was now my job, win at all costs, no more time for fun. That I did not matter to my coaches, my teammates, my family, or my friends unless I was on the field making a difference. I guess that’s the cutthroat mentality of being an athlete, right? When I felt like I needed to miss a practice because I was overwhelmed with school, I could hear my coach telling me how unacceptable that would be. How I would never be the best if I did that. I was weak, a failure, not cut out for this. I was never given any kind of leniency or taught any kind of balance in my time as an athlete. I was an athlete first, and a human being last.

Being a college athlete is HARD. Being a college student is HARD. Being a college-aged kid is HARD. Being those things without having the grace to be human is even harder. Not being allowed to make a mistake or seek help is impossible, yet that’s what we ask of these KIDS every single day. We expect perfection from them, and let me tell you, these athletes then start to expect it of themselves. Feeling like failures when we can’t meet an unthinkable and unreasonable expectation. That’s not cutthroat, that’s torment.

To be blunt, I hated being a college athlete. I hated being treated like a commodity and I hated the culture that enabled that kind of environment. I was absolutely not the only one who felt this way. There were multiple days that there was no light at the end of the tunnel for me. There wasn’t even a tunnel anymore. I was buried beneath layers of pressure, anxiety, and hopelessness. One wrong move and it felt like everything I knew and loved would cease to exist. One more expectation placed on me by my coaches and by the critical nature of college athletics and I felt no escape was possible. The underlying issue being, I had absolutely no idea how to get help for myself or even what kind of help I needed. My family was always there for me, but ultimately, it was the war in my own head brought on by an overflowing plate of extreme stress that was taking me out. The worst part being, I couldn’t walk away. I loved my sport so much, I almost let it kill me.

In the last 8 weeks, my hometown has lost two amazing young women to suicide. Both kind-hearted and joyful friends who are already so missed. Both Division 1 college athletes who dedicated their lives to the sports they loved. Both young women with their entire lives ahead of them who became victims of the hush-hush culture of mental health in sports. Women who didn’t know a life outside of the rigorous training schedules, the high stakes, and the overwhelming need to be perfect. I don’t mean to make assumptions that being a college athlete was the tipping point or the biggest factor in what my friends were going through or feeling. But I can’t help looking back at my own drastic fears and immense feelings of hopelessness when I was in their shoes. We all had something in common, we were taught to be so mentally tough that it feels wrong to ask for help, no matter how dire the situation.

Something MUST change. I don’t know when mental health in sports became so taboo to talk about, but I’m over it. Student-athletes need help. Kids need help. I would have been much better off learning how to seek support when I needed it rather than learning how to get the most money possible from a scholarship. I needed resources, not tough love, not the “this is what it takes” talk, but help. This isn’t just something to start talking about, this is a CRISIS. These girls aren’t just tragedies to look back and mourn, but human lives that were lost because we haven’t changed our ways. This starts at the bottom, the youth coaches we have, high school, college, etc. Everyone has a responsibility and an obligation to show young athletes that they have so much more to offer the world than success in their sport. Athletes like Simone Biles and Naomi Osaka have created space for these conversations to happen but we need more, we need drastic changes and we needed them yesterday.

There’s no blame game to play because there is no single entity to blame. Instead, I beg the world of sports to remember that at the end of the day, these college athletes are still just impressionable kids. Kids who can’t be treated like professional athletes because they aren’t. Kids who will have ups and downs and who will need people to guide them and get them the support they need. There is a huge difference between having mental toughness in your sport and needing to pursue help for the sake of your mental health. A difference between grit and insanity. A difference between an athlete and a human being. The culture of college sports has turned into a win-or-die trying environment and it is not sustainable. I would go as far as saying that these devastating losses will not be the last in the world of college athletics if this culture is maintained.

I hate what college sports have become. I hate what they have turned into and I hate what they have done to my friends and so many others. I’m still an athlete, there really is life after sports and I do still love my sport, so much so that it hurts every day I can no longer play, but I put it in perspective. I miss my friends and I hope they know how much they will be missed off of the field. Winning at all costs is too far, winning at all costs has cost human lives. It has cost parents losing their children, teammates losing friends, and the world of college sports losing hope. I’m thinking of all the athletes whose lives were cut short because we weren’t talking about it, and for them, I hope we start screaming about it.

Ally Spooner

National Suicide Prevention Line 800-273-8255