Growing up, I played soccer as a goalie from age six to thirteen. At thirteen, I was asked by my friends to try out to be the field hockey goalie. I had no idea what field hockey even was. They put me in this huge padding where I could barely move because it looked like I was drowning in it. The first game I ever played was against a team Mackenzie Allessie played on. For anyone in the field hockey world, they know Mackenzie Allessie is one of the best field hockey players of this generation. She is currently on the Olympic team right now and playing D1 at Penn state. Needless to say, we lost by a lot. I bawled my eyes out after that game because I felt like I let my friends and my team down even though this was the first game I had ever played, and I was playing against a future Olympic player. I was only thirteen and the pressure of the position and the game was already getting to me.

I wasn’t the greatest student in high school. In fact, I was sent to a private school in my hometown because my parents were nervous I’d do the bare minimum to pass my classes in our local public high school. The worst part of that whole situation? They were absolutely right. I was much more interested in playing sports throughout my high school career, and I would famously forget to do my homework on the days it might conflict with any athletic commitment.

Two words that have changed my life forever, it was two words that I had been thinking about for many years, and that I never had the courage to say out loud to myself, or to anyone else. It seemed so pathetic to me at the time that this one simple phrase could cause so much fear and anxiety within me, but it was the power and meaning behind these words which made it feel like everything around me I knew would change; now that I had finally come to terms with who I was. Those two words that I said to myself for the first time as tears ran down my face, those words being “I’m gay”.

“Your character is defined by the decisions you make when nobody is watching you” - quoted my high school swim coach while inspiring my team with a story about character.

This quote has been one that has stayed with me for years and only now do I realize the various dimensions it holds. I’ve been a human for 22 years so far, both a student and an athlete for 17 and various other identities within this during my life so far. Over the past year, as my mental health journey began feeling like a roller coaster, my decisions when nobody was watching became that much more important.

Katie Meyer, a Stanford soccer player protecting her cage while enduring the unbearable pressure to make sure perfection is achieved until March 1, 2022. Morgan Rodgers, a Duke lacrosse player always presenting a smiling face, hiding her anxieties and complex thoughts until July of 2019. Robert Martin, another lacrosse player who shocked his community with the depression that took his life on April 1, 2022. Cameron Burrell, the fastest college runner could not outrun his expectations of greatness, lost August 9, 2021. Harry Miller, an Ohio State football star recognizing his mental health battle and stepping back to reassess his priorities. Caitlin Bracken, a Vanderbilt lacrosse freshman who realized stepping back from athletics would allow her to jump forward. When will enough be enough? When will help be provided and people feel comfortable accessing it? When will these players who took their lives be your teammate? Your friend? Family member? The struggling in silence has got to stop. Our student-athletes are being murdered by their own thoughts of perfection and expectations.

There is a mental health crisis in this country, and we cannot shy away from confronting it. For me, it hits close to home. I have written openly about my own mental health struggles in the past, but I feel compelled to share more about my own struggles with mental health to continue highlighting just how real this is.

Growing up, I was a model student and athlete. I always got good grades, never missed swim practice, and figured out very early on how to balance the two. I also didn’t have much of a choice – my mom was my high school math teacher and my dad was my club swim coach. By the end of senior year, I was ready for a change of pace and didn’t know if swimming in college was going to end up being the right decision, as I felt I might be done with the sport.