A Parent's Story
By Kirsten Early | IG: @kirsten_early | TW: disordered eating
As September is Suicide Prevention Month, I wanted to share a personal, parent perspective when you have a child with a mental health disorder. There are many facets to mental health in the workplace and we seem to be good at focusing on our employees, but many organizations do not focus on the employee that perhaps isn’t suffering themselves per se, but who needs the support as someone coping with a loved one that suffers from mental health issues. Trust me when I say the toll it takes on you and the amount of people that suffer in silence is huge. I know because I suffered in silence for a long time. In fact, only through our family therapy have I come to grips with the last 18 months of my life and am now able to share my story and be an advocate for anyone else that may be suffering as well.
My heightened awareness, understanding and appreciation about mental health came to a very scary pinnacle for me and my family in October 2021 when my just turned 13-year-old daughter was admitted to the hospital for anorexia. It was a battle we had been fighting secretly, but with the help of eating disorder outpatient services, for 11 months and we thought we had this disease under control. What we didn’t know then, but hundreds of hours of therapy later have taught us, is that this disease is scary, manipulative and it literally stole our daughter from us right under our noses. My Year 9, top of her class, England national pathway lacrosse player, funny, loving, bubbly girl was gone. In her place was a deceitful, lying, sad, self-harming, scared teenager that didn’t even closely resemble my Joey.
How did this happen? What have I done to cause this? We are a loving, fun, churchgoing, supportive family with 3 other children besides my oldest. Did I cause this? Did we do something wrong? Is it because I am so focused on work and my job that I didn’t see this happening right in front of me? The blame game, the mom guilt, the absolute terror I felt from this disease I can barely put into words. The tunnel was so dark and there was absolutely NO light at the end of it.
Joey was admitted to Watford Paediatric Unit on October 26th where she needed 24/7 parental care. We took turns sleeping, showering, eating at the hospital waiting and praying for a bed at an inpatient eating disorder facility to open while the other parent was home trying to hold it together for our other 3 children who were more than terrified about their sister. Worse yet, they were not allowed to see her.
The comments, looks and whispers from other families in the hospital broke me even more. It was like they were judging me, blaming me, telling me I was a bad parent for allowing my daughter to go from 57kg to 40kg and wither away. There were few that showed Joey compassion at the hospital. We were taking a bed from a kid that was “truly ill” I heard a nurse say after 2.5 weeks in the hospital still awaiting a bed to open for us at a proper facility. I was scared, sad, broken, I cried all the time, I felt like a failure in every aspect of my life and for the first time in my life, I understood what mental health diseases felt like. A whole new appreciation for literally every aspect of my life.
Did you know that anorexia has the highest fatality rate of all psychiatric diseases? Another startling statistic is that eating disorders have risen globally by 15% each year for the last 10 with a startling 57% increase here in the UK since 2019.
Once we found out that Joey was going to get a room at a children’s psychiatric hospital in Kensington, a wave of relief came over all of us. Little did I know that the next few months were going to be even harder. I share below an excerpt of my personal journal. I can barely even read it still today without crying but knowing how far we have all come in the last 7 months does make me smile.
10th November 2021
I thought I would feel relieved. I thought I would feel better knowing we may properly fight and beat this disease after all. Instead, I feel completely empty. I cried the whole way home. How on earth has this happened to me? I have just dropped my 1st born, my sweet, loving, smart, athletic child at a psychiatric unit. Pulling out of Collingham, watching the doors lock behind her, knowing she can only call a few minutes each night, I can’t see her, I can’t help her- why? She is only 13 and has her whole life ahead of her. No one is helpful about this. Family saying things like “just make her eat” and others commenting on the idea that this was somehow pressure and comments from me or Matt. It makes me want to scream and punch people all at the same time. Will she ever get better? Will she live a normal life? Will she go on to be a doctor like she wants? Will she get back to playing lacrosse which she loves? Will she even survive? I can’t even bear those words being written down on a piece of paper. I feel helpless and alone even when I have Matt who is literally the best husband ever. Everyone at work is amazing-I have never had a boss say “family first always” and actually mean it. I get texts, calls, letters, flowers and yet I still feel all alone. Sadly, I think today is also the day I finally understand how people get so sad they can’t find their way out. I have lost my spark for now as I have to try and give it all to Joey. More tomorrow…..”
The weeks and month that ensued after this journal entry were nothing short of horrific. Feeding tubes as she refused to eat in clinic. Further loss of weight, being put on anti-psychotics and then one day in December when they told her she only had one day at home for Christmas, my type A, perfectionist child who LOVES Christmas more than anything decided she was going to take control. By the grace of God she was allowed to come home for 3 days at Christmas and then a Covid outbreak at the hospital left her home for 2 weeks and then she never looked back. She was formally discharged after 13 weeks of hospitalization to return home and school. She was allowed to resume lacrosse in February, gained 12 kg and led her U14 team to a 3rd place finish in the England National Schools Lacrosse championship in March. She made the England lacrosse regional pathway select tournament as one of the only Year 9s and she is now back at school full time.
It is not without a ton of struggle at times. It is not without tons of therapy from some amazing psychiatrists and eating disorder specialists. It is not without a fear that still lingers deep within me and probably will for the rest of my life. But we are getting there.
So here is my simple message to everyone- be kind, always because you never know the battle someone is facing behind closed doors. And if you are someone facing similar struggles of any mental health disease or have a loved one who is, know that you are not alone. The amount of people that have come to my rescue in the last 10 months made me feel so much less alone in my darkest hours. We can always do better but in this month, as we focus on mental health, be an advocate, be a listener, be a calming wave for anyone that needs it. You have no idea what a simple kind note or gesture can do for someone. And for anyone across our business that needs it- I am a teams call or a coffee in London away and know that I am a non-judgmental, listening ear for anyone that needs it.
