Reclaiming and Redefining My Purpose As an Athlete
By Jessica Ryan | IG: @jesskaratex
They say being involved in and around professional sports is full of choices and decisions that need to be made with unknown consequences. For me, the choices didn’t phase me, if anything it left me wondering where and how far I could take myself into a competitive environment before I started seeing cracks in myself not only in a competitive sense but an emotional sense as well. The relationship I formed with my sport was one that was measured and based on wether I can be deemed “successful” and the constant fear of not being good enough.
At the age of 10 was when I officially got my first taste in a competitive environment at the world championships being an England athlete. Was it everything it had deemed to live up to? Or was it my perception and image of what it would be that I had built up? To answer that it was both and it was more than I could have ever imagined. If I’m being honest, during that time I was clueless about how the environment would impact my fundamental years and intertwine itself in every aspect of the way I view myself. At the time, I wasn’t bothered on the titles that I could win or the amount of fights I had won. I was inconsistent and wasn’t fully committed. I was more thankful that I could say at the time that I had came 8th in the world and I was an England athlete at a young age. It gave me my first sense of pride and my first understanding on where I stood in the squad which led me later to establish myself in future years. Initially, it felt good to be known in my family as the “England athlete” and “the one who had a bright future” but also being known as “the next one”. One could say it boosted my ego and self worth at the time. It led me to have the constant feeling of seeking the validation that I once so dearly held to my heart.
The turning point was my second year in the England squad. Up until then, I was still the same girl that was still naive in the environment that I was in. I hadn’t lost any part of myself, if anything it was a part of me in construction reinventing myself as an England athlete. So I could be perceived that way to others and that being my whole identity. That led up to my second world championship was one that I will always remember. Whether it can be deemed good or bad, I haven’t yet figured that part out. A couple of weeks before we were due to get on the plane to Slovakia was the moment I felt cracks starting to form from the pressure building up inside of me to do well and perform well so I can have the feeling that I craved again after my first world championship. It wasn’t a surprise that I didn’t do my best because I just wasn’t there not emotionally and not mentally. I was so concerned on how others were going to see the performance that I didn’t stop to think how I could perceive it. I wasn’t bothered about myself and how the disappointment ate away at me, it was how my family would feel since I knew they told everyone and their dogs that I was now representing England. After that I vowed myself to be more dedicated pushing myself to limits that were unknown. Week after Week, there wasn’t a time to take my foot off the gas. This was just the beginning
After that, God must of seen and heard my prayers because once my first ever European championships rolled around it was when everything started to fall into place starting some of my most successful seasons in the England tracksuit. My first strike and taste of success was my first European bronze medal. It was truly euphoric, standing on the podium with an England flag behind you and getting your medal is one that has a million and one worlds attached and associated with. They were words I never thought would be next to my name: ”Jessica Ryan European bronze medalist”. However that didn’t show the internal battle I was facing deep within. Somewhere along the way I had lost all of my construction and reinvention of myself into an England athlete. Cracks were forming and it was only a matter of time because they shattered. It had only left me feeling that was all I was good for and wether this can be deemed as successful. I had no self worth, all I was good for was competing for England I told myself and I didn’t know what I enjoyed outside of karate because I just never had time to seek out new interests. All my identity was karate and being an England athlete. Nothing less and nothing more. I often wondered who I even was anymore. Am I more than an athlete? The sport had claimed who I was and I had no say.
Having established myself these past few years as an England athlete in the same competitive environment I first entered 6 years ago at the age of 10 with 2 European bronze medals, 4 national titles, 1 British title and 5 England appearances to my name all by the age of 16. I was brought and remained into an environment where I always put pressure on myself which led me to wonder wether I could be deemed successful enough that others will take notice or will I always be deemed to have fallen short when winning or representing on the biggest stage of all. The sport had confirmed its space in my life and identity claiming and defining who I was based off what important accolades I had to my name. The fear of failure became evident as I did not fail in this environment that built for myself or I wasn’t good enough. It didn’t allow me to become vulnerable in the process of becoming a better athlete and person all around because ultimately they go hand in hand.
After having my most successful season in an England tracksuit, I became overwhelmed and burnt out. I just wasn’t happy within myself and the pressure I felt to win. Maybe that was all the years of being in the same environment finally catching up with me? Was this time for a change and investment of time being put into myself. If anything I owe that 10 year old girl to feel and crave that emotion of pride she once felt because somewhere along the way she forgot and left that behind.
Now in the off season, in a fresh environment I have decided to reclaim and redefine my purpose as an England athlete not one that is solely basing her worth on how well she does in sport and how successful she can be, but one that is confident in her abilities and finding herself and her identity out side of sport. At some point, you accept the bad parts of your career and move on from it however that never has to overcloud the good of experiences and holding the England flag on the podium. But some days you can’t help but wonder if you made the right decision in a competitive environment.
I am Jessica Ryan and I am more than just an England athlete. I am reclaiming and defining my purpose.
