This Is Me Trying

By Ella Johnson | IG: ella_johnson0728

"Put your best foot forward." This statement has been told to me countless times. By my coaches, teachers, teammates, and others. But how can you put your best foot forward, when your best is being questioned? By you, by your coaches, teachers and everyone else. The short answer for me was, I can't. I can’t put my best foot forward if I know it's not the best I can do or if I know others are doubting it too. Some people might view this as failure, or giving up. I see it as me knowing my limits, knowing myself, and knowing what is best for MY mental health. 

I've played sports my whole life. From gymnastics, to swim team, to riding, and lacrosse, and so many more I could not list them all! I used to love to play sports. I used to spend countless hours practicing or watching videos of sports games. It wasn't until I was around 14 when I started to lose my love for sports. In particular, horseback riding. I rode from the age of 4 to 15, but around 14, the sport began to feel less like pleasure and more of a sense of pressure, and I got burnt out. Part of it was the fact that I had been riding for 11 years but the other part was that I was mentally exhausted from the pressures. The pressures to be perfect. As if I needed to fit the mold of what a "rider" needed to look like, ride like, and be like. At points all I would want to do was just yell, "this is me trying!"  Everyday after school, I would go to the barn, have a lesson for a few hours, then I'd go home to do homework, exhausted, and then repeat it all over the next day. My love for the sport that I once had was slowly slipping away. I would start to do worse in lessons. I would get frustrated. I was disappointed in myself and I knew that I wasn't doing my best. I mentally wasn't in the sport anymore, I had checked out, and yet I was still forcing myself to do it. Until one day I had a tough conversation with my mom: “I need to take a step back.” I knew that if I kept on this path I was on, I would resent riding for the rest of my life and never regain the love I had for it. This was a really hard decision for me to make, once you have done something for so long, especially with a partner by your side (horses) if it makes giving it up 10x harder. But I knew that it was in the best interest in my mental wellbeing to take a step back. And that's exactly what I did. I stopped putting the idea of "my best foot forward" first and instead "put myself first." This was during my 8th grade year. Then I went to high school. 

At this school, you were required to play a sport every season (3 sports a year). I chose to play tennis in the fall, conditioning (fitness training) in the winter, and lacrosse in the spring. The first year I loved it. The ability to switch sports and to play with friends and meet new people. I was having fun and my mental health couldn't be better. Sophomore year came around and I stuck with the same sports as I did the year before. This year was different for me though. Tennis and conditioning were the same but lacrosse was not like the year before. The stakes were higher, the practices were tougher, the players got better. But I began optimistic, I loved lacrosse so I thought the effort I put in and the hard work would pay off. The first few weeks of practice, the coaches were hard on us. Our stick work and ball control needed to be close to perfect. If we dropped a ball, 15 pushups, if we hit the goalie, 15 pushups. Part of the hard training and pressure was fun, motivating, and we were improving. But it also felt really defeating at times. Our first game came around and we lost. We sat in a circle while the captains and coaches yelled at us. Sitting there holding back our feelings, taking the harsh feedback and discipline. I thought, well we lost, we deserved it. "I just need to put my best foot forward." Next game we won, the team was thrilled. We get in our circle, and what do we hear; "you all could have done better." The words that cut like a knife. The captains began pointing out players who messed up, and telling them to do better, barely focusing on the fact that we actually won, things I thought they viewed as important. I remember feeling so defeated after that game. I felt as if my best wasn't enough, like I wasn't good enough for my team or coaches, that “putting my best foot forward” wasn't enough . All I wanted to tell them all was "this is me trying." But I couldn't bring myself to. And eventually my love began to slip away once again. But instead of "putting myself first" like I did with riding, I kept playing. Don't get me wrong, I love lacrosse, and there were definitely amazing moments, but the negatives started to outweigh the positives. I kept playing, practicing, and competing. Till one practice, I took a wrong step. I went to my trainer after pushing through the pain at practice (I'm sure athletes can relate) and the trainer told me I probably just twisted it. The next day I had a game, and just to be safe she taped up my ankle before I went in. I play defense so lucky I didn't have to run up and down the field as much as I would if I played another position. This game was the worst game I've ever played. Each step I took, I could feel the pain get more and more intense. When the buzzer sounded at the end of the game, I began to sob, my final straw. I walked to the sidelines, while my team gave each other hugs from the win. I sat on the sidelines with my head between my knees, my tears coming so fast, I was choking on them. The trainer ran over to me, and cut off my ankle tape. Exposing my ankle that was twice its normal size and was bruised all over. She took me to the training room on the golf cart and I laid on the bed, still in tears. I knew it was bad. I knew I shouldn't have pushed myself. But I did. Because I was too scared to tell my coach I was hurt, too scared to let my teammates think badly of me, too scared for them to think I was faking or weak. That game ended up being my last. I was in a knee to toe boot for the next month and a half, watching from the sidelines, as the team won every game without me, won the district conference, and went to states. All with me on the sidelines. I couldn't help but feel like they were better off. This really affected me, losing the love of another sport, and getting injured all in one season. Part of me believes my injury was a way of the universe forcing me to take a break. During that time while I was on the sidelines it was really hard. But I also grew to be more in touch with myself again, not so focused on the pressures of being an athlete, or player, I could just be me again. And after the season ended, I chose to take a step back from sports. I chose to be myself again, instead of "putting my best foot forward" like everyone wanted me too. And doing this was the best decision I've made. I'm happier, less stressed, and not as scared to make my own decisions. That season led me to have lots of drawbacks, emotionally and physically. I still feel as if I'm not good enough to play lacrosse, the defeat and harsh criticism and minimum support of my coaches and teammates led me too feel this way, and still feel this way. But I know that with time I can overcome this and hopefully regain my love for the sport. For some, putting themselves first could mean still playing their sport, but for me, taking that break was the best for me, but we all have different versions of what that looks like. So to the people, coaches, professionals, judges, teachers and teammates, "This was me trying" not "putting my best foot forward" because that was never good enough. So I chose to do what's best for me. I hope student athletes know that they can always take the time that they need. It's a sign of strength not weakness. Because we are more than just athletes, we are people too.  

I chose to share my story with others, because I want to be a voice within the student athlete community, and I want to show others that it's ok to take a step back from something you once loved. That it's ok to struggle, it's ok to need help, it's ok to be a person and not just an athlete. In athletics, the person can be overlooked at times, and it's important to remember who you were before you became an athlete. My goal is to make it so that others that have been in my position won't feel as alone or guilty for taking the time they need. I want you to know you're never alone. You're not different or weak. You're trying your best, and if sometimes you don't feel as if you are remembering the words from the queen herself, “This is me trying” - Taylor Swift.