I’m My Own Worst Enemy

By Sophia Dzwonkowski | IG: @sophia.dzw99

Perfection is a funny thing. It’s claimed that perfection doesn’t exist, yet there is a word for it. You would think that means one can be perfect. At least that’s what I believed, and that’s what I aspired to be. I wanted to be the perfect athlete, the perfect teammate, the best of the best in all the sports I have played. It did not matter if it was a silly race at school, or a huge basketball game, if I could not be the best there, if I could not win, I would not want to do it.

I was diagnosed with generalized anxiety disorder at a young age. I have been in and out of therapy for as long as I can remember. I can get stuck on one thought and that one thought plays on repeat in my head. Hunting me all the time. I have also been involved in sports for as long as I can remember. It started out as fun after school activities. I would be good at sports, it came so natural to me. I did AAU basketball, travel soccer, I even did cross country and track and field in middle school. Then it became more than just a fun after school activity to me it was my escape. Sports were my thing, if everything else in my life was bad, I always had sports to cope. I decided that I would try tennis freshman year. I ended up making varsity and playing doubles. However, I was also doing basketball and was lucky to even take part in some of the summer league activities varsity was doing. Due to my commitment to tennis I missed the fall basketball training. I wasn’t able to attend the open gyms or weightlifting. In my mind all nine years of basketball was out the window. To me not being able to play a month and being a little rusty made me not enough.

When tryouts rolled around I texted the coach I would no longer be trying out but rather be a manager because I loved sports, and I wanted to be part of the team in some way. When I got to try outs I realized I made a huge mistake. I ended up joining the team as a player, but the season was bumpy. I cried constantly before practices and games because I was so scared to mess up. I felt that the world was going to end if I missed a layup or made a bad pass. A sport I once loved had become my worst nightmare. Basketball was always on my mind. If I made any mistakes that mistake played on repeat, screaming at me in my mind. I was not enough, I did not belong on the court or to be wearing that jersey. After that season I quit.

I decided that I could continue to play tennis. I thought that my battles with anxiety and sports was over, but I was wrong. Once basketball was no longer in the picture all the anxiety went to tennis. I had just started in high school and while I made varsity I wasn’t every good. The fact that people could beat me made my heart race and my palms sweat. I hated the idea. I was so stressed about the upcoming tryouts that I would have nightmares about them months before they even happened. I would cry as I watched balls go out or into the net. I would have anxiety attacks if I had to attend a clinic where other players would be. The day before the tryout while I was at work I had to set out and I called my teammate sobbing about needing to go to tryouts the following day. I was angry. All I wanted was to find the comfort and joy I once had in sports.

I started working on this with my therapist. Constantly she asked me “So what if you fail? So what if you’re not the best?” and I couldn’t even think about it. The idea made me sick. I grew up being one of the stronger athletes in most sports I played until high school. It was as if I didn’t know how to handle not being the best one in the room. I never planned to play sports in college or try to make a career out of it. All I wanted was to be perfect at the sport I played.

Over the last few months I have found joy in tennis again. I tried out for the team and made varsity, but not the starting line up meaning I won’t be playing. This was truly really hard for me to deal with. However, I found the bright sides. I got to support my teammates. I also had the opportunity to play with people who are better than me. While I was anxious I did it. I managed to play with people who were more talented than I was. The world didn’t end. All in all, you will only burn yourself out if you try to be perfect. It took me awhile to realize that, but once I did I was able to enjoy what I once loved.