Nevertheless
By Alexa Kiernan | IG: @alexaskiernan
For as long as I can remember, I’ve always felt different. It wasn’t until my senior year of high school, however, that I received the closure of a diagnosis. It took a while for doctors and professionals to take me seriously, as I presented as a happy and confident teenager, how could I possibly be dying inside? I became adept at hiding my struggles, with practice comes perfection, and I would only let those close to me know how I truly felt inside.
Senior year is when it really started to get bad for me. I never felt like I was good enough, and my fears were confirmed by what felt like countless college rejections and my rough senior varsity tennis season that did not go my way. I lacked energy and everything was senseless to me, therefore I could not put my focus all into my season as I had once hoped. I started seeing a therapist that summer: it was a scary step, but one I took in the right direction. She didn’t believe me at first. Eventually, I was referred to a psychiatrist and put on medication for OCD and Major Depressive Disorder. I was simultaneously eager and hesitant as I was unsure of the effects yet desperate for something to change.
After about three months on medication at different dosages, I realized nothing had worked. I felt helpless and hopeless that I would feel like this forever. I was recommended for a Partial Hospitalization Program (PHP) which, in time, helped tremendously. I felt much better and made great friends with people who had similar struggles. While I missed out on most of my senior year because the program was all day, I am happy that I did it. In PHP, I learned that mental health has no look and you never truly know what someone is going through unless they tell you. I sometimes wonder who I’d be if I had the privilege of a “normal” senior year.
In February 2023, I was accepted into my top choice school, Lafayette College. I was very excited and this seemed to be a turning point for me. I felt better and had a solidified view of my future endeavors.
I was nervous that my mental health would spiral when I got to college, and what happened ended up being worse than I could've ever imagined. I was in a relationship with a girl for about two weeks until I found out she had a boyfriend. This was the first girl I had ever liked romantically and this news was beyond devastating for me to hear. I was at a party when I found out and I went back to my dorm room and attempted suicide. I was then hospitalized at McLean Hospital in Belmont, Massachusetts- a two-week stint that forever altered the trajectory of my life. Here I realized that my life was worth living, even if at times it didn’t feel like it was. I had a team of doctors and counselors around me who supported and believed in me. Together, we made a plan for me to return to school and finish up the semester.
I wish I could say this was abnormal, but my story is all too common. Every day people struggle in silence, afraid and ashamed of their struggles. I feel like mental health has been destigmatized until we get to higher levels of care- like it's normal to have a therapist or even to be on medication, but once you mention a program or a hospital people get all uncomfortable.
I can confidently say that my story is far from over; I wish mental health was that simple. I am grateful for everyone who helped me through my darkest moments and made me understand that my life was worth it. To anyone struggling- this isn’t permanent, you are so loved.
