There Is No Such Thing as a ‘Normal’ Person, You Are You!
By Kiley Selquist | IG: @kileyselquist
Throughout elementary school, I was that outgoing, crazy kid. I would be the one to run around at recess and have a huge tank of energy, always smiling. No one knew before school I would be dropped off by my mom every single day, making her promise me that I would not get sick at school. I was terrified of getting sick or someone else getting sick. I had never told anyone except my mom because I thought it was normal to feel overwhelmed like this. This was the start of my feelings of generalized anxiety, although I never knew it.
Later on, high school hit, which meant real math tests and quizzes were a thing. Whenever there would be a future test date my heart would sink. I have always been the type of person to get all of my assignments and studying done way in advance, some would say I was over-prepared. In my freshman year of high school, my math teacher at the time was handing out our finals. I knew the material, but once I read the first question my entire body felt paralyzed. I had this nervous feeling in my chest that told me I needed to run away with no destination. I had no idea why I felt so spazzy and out of control in my mind, but I ignored these feelings. After the time was up, I was just relieved that the test-taking time was over, even though I blanked out on most of the test. At this point, I thought something was wrong with me, I wasn't smart enough, and I was too much of an overthinker. I convinced myself throughout high school I was not as intelligent as anyone in my class, and that it was normal to feel that way. I continued to work harder but each day would be that same stomach-dropping feeling when the test came out.
Like many students at that time, I had no idea what mental illnesses were. Honestly, I thought that to have a mental illness it had to be very severe and you cannot function the same way compared to someone who was “normal”. As I am writing this, I am thinking “Why is there normal human behavior, and what even is it?” As a population, there is not one group or individual that acts the same and is going through life the same way. We need to demolish the word normal, as it causes many assumptions, and triggers many to close off their feelings, thinking they are just too weak. This term could eventually lead to many hiding within their dark thoughts as I did.
My sophomore year of college took a major toll on my mental health. During the school year as a student-athlete playing lacrosse, you are constantly at practices and classes, while doing homework at night. There is not too much downtime in the day, which I loved because there was not much alone time. Summer came by, and my world took an immediate spiral. Much downtime was spent, and I got used to being at home without my college roommates and talking to friends 24/7. I never really went to the store or the mall because I hated when places were crowded and loud and I never felt like making myself uncomfortable in those situations. One day in July I spent my time reading, and I became obsessed. I made reading my excuse for everything. When I was asked to get ice cream or go to breakfast I would always reply with an excuse saying I am busy at home. After a few weeks, I had checkups at the dentist and doctors, which is where I had my first panic attack. I was shaky, I lost my voice and would only reply with one-word answers which was not like me. Socially, I always would talk, but I became dizzy while talking to people. I knew this was not like me. These panic attacks became more often to the point where I would sit at home and become worried I was going to have a panic attack for no reason. These thoughts consumed my days, and I thought it was a ‘normal’ thing that I had to fight through even though deep down I thought it was out of character.
Towards the end of the summer, my anxiety became at an all-time high with constant feelings of panic. My mom was ordering dinner one night and talked about going to pick it up, and suddenly I crashed, freaking out for no specific reason. This felt like my breaking point after everything I had built up. After long talks with my mom and dad, doctors became involved as well. They helped me get a therapist, who helped me with coping mechanisms before going back to school, as well as a diagnosis of panic disorder, general anxiety, and social anxiety disorder. Eventually, my parents would push me to go out with them and become uncomfortable, while making me feel supported and understand that many people suffer from anxiety.
The point of this story is not to say I am “fixed”. There is no fix for mental illness. What we can do to change this stigma of mental health is to normalize it. In my situation, I didn't understand that thousands of people suffered from the same illness. I thought that I was a college student-athlete who was weak and needed tougher skin. No, what I needed was the talk with my parents and family, which then proceeded with doctors and a team that helped me. If my parents never knew about my panic attacks, I would have never realized how much support I had from my family and friends that I could have opened up to. Along with personal support, I became aware of many mental health associations that normalize suffering with all mental illnesses. This gave me a feeling of comfort and made it easy to talk to my support system about my anxiety. Now, I enjoy socializing, and talking to people, and am genuinely happy. Morgan's Message makes it rewarding to open up about mental health. I love the community we have formed, and I hope we continue to remind people that they are loved no matter what situation they are in.
I want everyone to know that mental health is such a priority, and many people in this generation suffer in a variety of different ways. If we can eliminate the term ‘normal’ from a young age, we can spread the knowledge that everyone is different, and you shouldn't have to pretend that you are doing okay when you are struggling. I believe this will increase the talk about all mental health and eventually normalize opening up to support systems. You are YOU and are so loved! Don't be so hard on yourself.
