Sunset Survivor.
By Marissa Acosta | IG: @marissanacosta
I’m 28 years old. I was once a student-athlete playing Division I lacrosse at Manhattan College. It was truly a dream come true - one I never imagined achieving. Never playing club lacrosse or having the opportunity to showcase my talents because of constant injury, somehow, someway, I luckily and thankfully found myself at MC. Entering college as a fresh 18 year old girl, never being on my own, I had no idea what was coming. My entire life up until my freshman year of college, I made it my mission to be someone of strength and guidance for my friends and family. Because I was so invested in supporting others, I left no time to support myself.
The first few weeks of college were indescribably scary. I could feel myself spiraling out of control mentally and I honestly had no idea what was happening to me. Every day I was calling my mom begging her to take me home. I would lay in bed for hours on end and cry myself to sleep. Freshman year for everyone is an adjustment but for me, it went deeper than adjustment. I struggled to get up for practice, I never wanted to eat, I was fighting to survive. I knew something was wrong when I found myself praying for an injury so that I could just sleep all day and be alone. When I was in the thick of my injuries, I hated every second of not being able to take the field. But now I was praying to get hurt so I didn’t have to play. It was in that moment I knew this wasn’t something I’d “work myself out of”. But no matter how dark my thoughts were and how much I hated waking up every day, I still went to practice, lift, team dinners, study hall and class. I became numb and I didn’t think anyone really noticed. I remember a conversation with my mom, where she told me I might need help and that I needed to go to the wellness center.
Scared, overwhelmed and on the verge of what it felt like dying at the hands of my own - I found myself outside of the Wellness Center. Tucked away on the top floor of the Education Building where no one knew it existed - I held my breath and asked for help. Immediately I was diagnosed with depression. I was put on medicine and was sent on my way. Maybe the medicine was working or maybe it wasn’t, I’m not too sure but eventually, I took myself off of it without consulting with my doctors or my family. But, I again found myself investing all my time in other people so my numbness wasn’t something I entertained. I dove head first into relationships, friendships, lacrosse and I just held my breath hoping I’d make it out.
Sophomore and Junior year were spent playing lacrosse, focusing on my boyfriend at the time and just neglecting everything that was going on inside of me. I didn’t feel pressure because of lacrosse and I didn’t hate myself or anything like that so I was confused as to why I still had thoughts of killing myself and the constant desire to die. Again, I put my head down, smiled through it all and swallowed my sadness.
Senior year is where it all began to crumble. A career ending injury, a devastating break up and realizing college was coming to an end - ON TOP of the already darkness that lingered in my life - my insides truly felt like they were melting away and I soon became a scary version of myself. I was drinking too much, too often and scaring my teammates and best friends. Once again, I found myself “seeking help” or as I call it now, putting a bandaid on a wound. I knew I needed to occupy my time so I decided to go back to school. Fast forward to graduation, I was accepted into a Masters program for Mental Health and School Counseling - another dream coming true. It was the first time in almost 4 years where I felt like life was going to be okay. How could I be depressed when everything in life was aligning just as I hoped? I honestly think I fooled myself into thinking that I was fine. I graduated in 2019 with a Masters in Mental Health and a Certification in School Counseling - my dark days lingered but they weren’t as persistent so I really thought I was “cured”. Funny - for someone who studies mental health, to think that I believed I was cured? Wild. I began coaching at a prestigious high school program and felt alive again when I took the field and worked to help athletes become more than just an athlete. But all that I gave my athletes, I rarely had enough for myself.
The pandemic happened and well I was in my glory. Isolation from the world? No problem. Exactly what I had always wanted and needed solely because it was so painful to put on a show for those in my life. I didn’t have to pretend I was happy to have to socialize. I didn’t have to say yes when my friends asked to hang out. I didn’t have to leave my room or my bed aside from working as a virtual school counselor. I really think my work saved me and continues to save me.
In 2020, I moved out of my mom’s house and in with my college roommate / best friend. I had my dream job of being a school counselor and I was living on my own. Pure bliss for most people but for me as much as I knew it mattered, I almost didn’t care. Horrible to say but the reality of mental illness. No matter how great your life is, if the insides aren’t great, it amounts to nothing. Not every day was dark but most were. I made it a point to make sure my students and my athletes knew they had a safe space to speak openly about anything they needed which ultimately helped me too. I loved helping them see the most of who they are and who they’d become. They were more than students and they were more than athletes. They needed to know they were important. So I made it my mission. Avoiding all that I was feeling was routine. I hid it all. My family and friends really thought I was making progress.
In February of 2022, my uncle died by suicide. He was probably one of the only people who knew what I was going through. After he left us, there was no hiding anymore. It became obvious to everyone in my life that I was not okay. For more than 10 years, I suffered in silence and I couldn’t hide anymore. Losing someone to suicide is truly incomprehensible. I began to feel if he could leave because of his pain, then maybe I could too? A scary, dark thought. I got help. I’m currently receiving help. And it’s hard. Every day is hard. But I want to feel alive again one day. Not just surviving but alive. Lacrosse was my one true love. As much as it took from me, it saved me in so many ways.
I just want athletes today to know that they’re not alone. When I was in high school and college, I never imagined my coach dealing with mental illness. Kinda like how we think our parents are invincible until we see them sick? That’s how I saw my coaches. They were invincible and they were my heroes. Well, this 28 year old high school lacrosse coach wants her athletes to know we aren’t invincible and it’s no longer acceptable to hide what hurts. I want them to know they are strong even when they feel weak. I was once them and I would never want them to lose their battle because they felt alone. I want them to know they have someone to turn to when things get hard. As scary as it is to share my story with Morgan’s Message and people in general, I think it’s important. I was afraid of being judged or that the families of my athletes would see me differently but honestly, one of the main reasons as to why I am still here is because of my athletes. They give me purpose and even when the darkest thought creeps inside my head, I’m able to hold tight to the fact that they expect me to show up. They need me to show up, but show up as me - just as I am. Having a mental illness does not define you. It is part of your story. I am practicing being honest with others and myself about what’s going on inside. I am practicing to advocate for myself and others. I am practicing on living for me.
I love sunsets and the main reason why is because with every sunset, comes another day that I get to say I’ve won. I’ve won and I’ve fought to end another day alive. And my only hope for my students and my athletes is that they live to see a lifetime of sunsets.
Thank you for reading this.
