Lost on the Court

By Sam Hagenbush

Hi everyone! My name is Samantha Hagenbush, but everyone calls me Sam or Sammi. I am a junior at Penn State Berks in Reading, PA. I am a Kinesiology major with a Psychological Sciences minor. I play both basketball and tennis at Berks and I am a heavily involved student. Before reading my story, I want you to ask yourself the following question: How can you be an advocate for others if you aren’t an advocate for yourself?

Eat, sleep, study, basketball, repeat. I have been a basketball player for a short period of my life, but it ultimately has become an important part of my life. I have only been playing since 8th grade. I spent my years prior to that playing travel soccer and dancing. I watched a lot of UConn Women’s Basketball and studied how they play and applied that outside in my backyard. I wanted to become a great basketball player. I knew I had to really work at it and teach myself everything I needed to know.

Once I was a freshman in high school, my first day of basketball tryouts came. We were told there are only a few open spots because they only graduated one senior the previous year. I knew I needed to work really hard, but I also tried to understand there was a big chance I was not going to make the team. We went through 3 days of tryouts and I waited for the roster to come out. Seeing my name on it was a huge relief. The coaches were so impressed with the freshmen that they let some upperclassmen go to be able to keep us. 

My high school seasons came and went. At this point, I was using soccer to keep me in shape and really focusing on basketball. I knew by the end of my junior year that I wanted to keep playing in college. I set up a recruiting page, emailed coaches, and worked with trainers to improve my skills. Senior year of high school hit and I was excited. I had college coaches coming to watch me and speak with me. However, I knew that I did not have the support of my teammates and coaches, which hurt a lot. I knew this was only one chapter of my life and the next one in college was going to be great.

I hit a bit of a roadblock during my junior year of high school. I was diagnosed with a pituitary tumor, more specifically a benign prolactinoma. My body was producing too much of a hormone called prolactin which produced the small tumor on my pituitary gland. That had a big effect on my life and how I was physically and mentally feeling on a daily basis. I knew I was not feeling my best and needed to get back to myself and my full potential. This was when I decided to advocate for myself and go to therapy to work through past personal issues and my current medical issues.

Throughout my senior season, I was not treated the greatest by my team. A lot of remarks and comments were made to me by my coaches and teammates which shot down my confidence. I knew the type of player I was, but it was very hard to hear what they had to say about me. Dealing with a diagnosed anxiety disorder also added to my fear and worry of my teammates and coaches hurting me with words. Once I committed to Penn State Berks, I knew that I would not have to worry about the drama that I endured in high school. I knew coming into college that I would be wanted there and appreciated. However, it was going to take a lot to build my confidence as a player and a person. 

Unknowingly after my high school season, I did not realize a bigger roadblock was coming my way in the COVID-19 pandemic. The rest of my senior year was online, prom was canceled, and graduation was at a smaller scale. However, I was very grateful for the efforts my school did make to have us be together one last time. COVID lasted into my college season and my first season was canceled. This sent me into a downward spiral because this was the first time I did not have basketball in my life as an outlet. 

Our post-COVID season happened and I do not know how things could have gotten worse for my mental health, but it did. We started our season with 10 girls and by the time winter break was over, we were down to 6. Because most of us played 40 minutes a game, the physical and mental aspects of the situation were hard to manage. As someone who takes a lot of things personally and is a perfectionist, I beat myself down quite a bit. I felt like us having only 6 people and a losing season was my fault. Despite my feelings, I knew I needed to do more for my team and be a support for everyone. Coming off of last season into this season, I knew things would be different for the better. However, my head said otherwise. 

I was dealing with a lot of anxiety and stress to begin with and it bled into basketball. I could not find my footing. I was not hitting shots I made last year, I was not confident in myself. I felt so lost in myself and what I was doing. I was having panic attacks during practice, having major anxiety before and during practice, and while in the game as well. I was frustrated, but I needed to keep going. I had obligations and responsibilities outside of basketball and being one of the team captains that I needed to attend to. I had a large coursework of Kinesiology and Psychology classes, I gave campus tours and managed the special events for prospective students, I participated in SAAC, I began my new role as the Lead Captain of the Welcome Program for new students, I was President of the mental health club on campus, and I was the Vice-President of our Kinesiology club. There was no way I could let basketball put me in a rut. After all, wasn’t this supposed to be my de-stressor outside of my other activities?

We are headed towards the end of the season and I am working to get out of that rut. I decided that I needed to advocate for myself and I asked for help. I have been attending therapy, working more on self-care techniques, and finding a good routine for myself to not become overwhelmed as easily. I may not have been in the best spot mentally, but I was able to learn from this experience to help myself and better understand what I need in my life. I am working to improve myself as a player and a person to be the best team captain I can be. 

Aside from my own struggles, I want all student-athletes to know that it is important to understand and recognize that your mental health is a priority. As student-athletes we are really busy between practice, games, classes, activities, or anything else that we are involved in. It is very easy to lose our sense of self as people and just fit into that student-athlete mold. While we are student-athletes, we are also humans with feelings. If we are not in the best headspace, everything else will start to feel as if it is spiraling. If it gets bad enough, it will start to truly spiral and you will feel stuck. It is important to recognize yourself and when things become too much. Knowing your resources that are provided for you and openly communicating without fear of stigma is the goal of programs like Morgan’s Message. I am very grateful I can be a known mental health advocate on my campus. Going back to the question I asked at the beginning of my story, how useful can I be as an advocate without advocating for myself? It can be hard, but it needs to be done to be the best advocate I can be for all.