Stepping on the Brake

By Emily Keppler | IG: @emily.keppler

I think it all started in my younger years—being scared. Of what, I still don't think I'm completely sure. I vividly remember sobbing before lacrosse practice because I was terrified that I wouldn't fit in; that I wouldn't have anyone to talk to. 6th grade was when I tried out for club lacrosse, a choice that directly led me to where I am today. However, I wasn't accepted on that team. I was a "nobody" in comparison. Nowhere near the same caliber of skill as my teammates, I had accepted it. It made sense, they'd been playing for years and years together. I continued playing on the team, sometimes breaking down at practice because I felt so left out. There was one game where my assistant coach came up to me and apologized for not putting me in the game, that there was no excuse for it. This is where I started feeling athletic validation where I would soon use it as a lifeline. 

My 8th grade year was a special case, not only for myself, but for everyone else. The team I had been on split up to go to a different club team. It was one of the only club teams on the Eastern Shore of Maryland so I didn't have a new place to turn. After never being fully accepted onto that team, I felt so betrayed. I then moved to a team across the bridge where I went from being the worst on the team to a star. A star that shown to everyone. How is it that this dream of being the MVP just went away? COVID-19 was the culprit that cut many people's stories short. I didn't take this as a setback, I used it as an opportunity. I got better, I used working out as a release. However, it got to a point of being unhealthy and I was on the brink of an eating disorder. I was left at home with nothing but my thoughts and seeing unrealistic body images on social media 24/7 helped nothing. 

Freshman year of high school was a fever dream. All sports played in the spring after a full semester of completely virtual schooling. I had so much fun freshman year, I was back to being the star. I played for our high school’s Junior Varsity team for both field hockey and lacrosse. For lacrosse I was captain, I was also brought up to varsity for the ending of our season where we won the Maryland 2A State Championship. This was an insane experience and I felt so utterly special. Little did I know, I was about to go through the worst relationship with sports in my life. 

My sophomore year was a tough mental year. I tried out and the coaches were impressed and put me on varsity. I had sprained my foot the beginning of field hockey season so I wasn't able to play and when I was able to play, I didn't get to. I didn't get any playing time, I felt useless. I couldn't wait for the season to be over. I was just so mentally exhausted. I once again didn't feel like I fit in, I was an outsider that no one wanted on their team. There was still hope for playing during lacrosse season. Long story short, I didn't. I was put on varsity as expected, but a girl who didn't play club and just started playing, played over me. For anyone who spent time and effort on something so time consuming like a sport, it was devastating. I felt deflated. Any confidence I had gained from previous years was gone. Later on, after the season was over, I was informed that I was just there to practice for varsity to prepare me for my Junior season. How can you do that to a girl? I was so excited to play for my lacrosse team, as that was what I was trying to get recruited for, but many times I felt so awful. I broke down in the middle of practice because nothing was going right. It felt as if no matter what I did, no one saw it. I felt like a nobody. I felt simply invisible. 

Summer was a new season. At least that’s the mindset I went in with. Club with a team that actually accepted me and included me. This was the summer I got recruited to Shenandoah University for lacrosse. My confidence skyrocketed. I was on cloud 9. Everything I've worked so hard to show everyone was paying off. I thought that maybe it wasn't all for nothing. Everyone was so proud of me, and how "far I came.” Though, I took that as a compliment since I did work hard to get to where I was. I had gotten 5 offers and recruitment was probably the easiest part of my career thus far.  

Field hockey had to go well. I was doing great and one of my indoor field hockey coaches nominated me to go to Futures for USA Field Hockey. During pre-season I was switched into a different position than what I had been playing for years. My best friend was on the team with me, so I was able to ignore the clique that had formed. I scored when the team needed it most in a couple of tough games, but I only played when someone was injured or needed a break. At the end of season I was finally getting to play and I felt like something in my life was going right. It got taken away during our second to last regular season game where I got a contusion on my arm, which isn't a serious injury, but put me out just long enough to not get to finish out my Junior year. 

This seems to be a theme in my story. As it brings us to today. I was actually committed to a college for lacrosse, I was for sure going to play. And I did. Even after I got COVID-19 right after tryouts during preseason, which I thought for sure was going to put me out for the season. Though, this was short lived. During one of our last games we had a tough opponent and they ended up giving me a concussion after I was going for a ground ball. After everything I worked for. After all I did to prove myself. It was ripped away. I was crushed, not because it was a career ending injury, but because I knew I wasn't going to play again that season even if I got better. Which— who knew I was a fortune teller— I didn't even get to play in my last ever game for my Junior season. 


I was happy for this season to be over. It brought me back to my 6th grade club team where I felt left out. The girls all had a group chat that excluded me and everyone always went out to parties together. I spent multiple drives home from practices just sobbing. I was so utterly exhausted. I was underappreciated, overworked, and just so done. I realized that many other people also felt this way and decided that this should stop. Which is why I started a chapter of Morgan’s Message at my school. To show others that they aren’t alone. This was also the season I discovered therapy, and I'm not sure how this season would have fared without it. There was just so much stuff that had built up in my head over the years and it needed to be let out. I think that is what saved me. As well as having outlets (like my closest friends) to vent my anger and frustration too. 

I need a new chapter. To just move past and accept everything. I'm still working on ways to not feel just as invisible, but it's hard. All mental health journeys are. They aren't going to be a linear path that you can just walk along and end up at the pot of gold. There are ways to help cope, therapy, medications, having good friends, and honestly even dark humor. These all keep me going. As well as knowing there is more than just high school and high school sports waiting out there for me. There is a whole life left to be lived and there's no point in dwelling in the past when I can make the future to be anything I want. This is a hard concept to integrate—trust me—but I'm working hard at it every dang day. Maybe someday in the future I can finally come to a peace, a time where my brain can take its foot off of the gas pedal.