My Journey to Recovery
By Niki Castle | Instagram: @healingmindscoaching and Facebook: niki.healingmindsmentalhealthcoaching
I think I was born an athlete. From the time I could walk I was trying to dribble a basketball or throw some object. At the age of four my older brother would help me climb a fence two stories high so that we could shoot hoops. We couldn’t go home until I made ten “granny” shots in a row. It wasn’t just basketball. I loved every sport. From the age of 10 to 18 I played basketball, soccer, baseball, softball, tennis, volleyball, and track. My love for sports continued through high school where I was highly recruited for basketball and volleyball. I often played two or three sports at the same time, driving to all ends of San Diego County for practice. It was also at this time that I started to notice changes within me. I would stay awake for days, only to suddenly “crash” and get sick.
This continued as I transitioned into college where I played PAC 12 basketball for Washington State University. Because of my new sleeping habits, or lack thereof, my freshman year I experienced a collapsed lung, shingles, and a hip fracture and dislocation. All because I ignored what was going on in my brain. The stress that was placed on my body from what I later learned was mania was causing it to break down, propelling me into depression. I met with so many doctors who tried to figure out what was wrong with me. We didn’t have a mental health specialist for our athletic department. I couldn’t explain what was wrong with me. I couldn’t point to the pain. I didn’t mention the flashing lights I would see when I closed my eyes at night. Or the ringing in my ears that made me feel like my brain was literally buzzing from moving so fast. I didn’t want them to think I was “crazy.”
My ups and downs continued after college, slowly getting worse and affecting every part of my life. I was considered unreliable at work because I would often have to call out sick at a moment’s notice. I started taking risks and becoming reckless while putting my own life in danger. My first suicide attempt was in 2004. I was working for NBC at the time and involved in a high-profile sexual harassment lawsuit. In addition, my father found out he had cancer. The stress was too much and after not sleeping for more than a couple of hours a night for more than a week, I overdosed on sleeping pills. I just wanted it all to stop. To sleep with hopes of waking up and feeling better.
After 72 hours in a high security psych ward where I saw things you only see in the movies, I was scared straight. Despite a recommendation that I seek treatment for bipolar disorder, I continued like nothing happened. I thought I could just run from it. So, as a sports reporter, I moved to West Virginia and then New York City with hopes of a new beginning. I wanted to leave my past behind me. I ran from bipolar disorder for the next ten years, fighting the waves of mania and depression that were slowly killing me. For three years I struggled through depression and unemployment, spending more time in bed than out. Finally, I couldn’t take it anymore. Thinking this can’t be life, I attempted to take my life a second time. If my wife hadn’t found me, I wouldn’t be here today. I was placed in a medically induced coma for three days. Another 72 hours. This time when I woke up, I knew I needed help.
When I was released from the hospital, I didn’t get a plan of what to do next. “Follow up with your doctor.” I didn’t have a doctor so when the general practitioner told me, “You should watch ‘It’s a Wonderful Life.’ That will make you feel better,” I just shook my head. “This is why I didn’t go to the doctor in the first place,” I thought. In the same breath he recommended a psychiatrist who would become the first member of what became my wellness team. That was nearly nine years ago, and I have been medicated and in recovery ever since. I have since become a mental health coach for parents who have children struggling with mental illness. I also speak as a part of the National Alliance on Mental Health’s “Ending the Silence” program where I share my story at high schools in Los Angeles to help fight stigma. Most recently I published two blog posts for the International Bipolar Foundation, revealing some of the obstacles I and other athletes face while trying to manage their mental health. As a mother of a six-year-old it is important I do my part to make mental health less stigmatized for my son’s future.
