Trust the Process
By Kara Goulding | IG: @Kara_Goulding
When most think back to their childhood, they reminisce about the playdates they had or the toys and books they got. Although I was blessed enough to get all of those things, thanks to my amazing family, I had a little bit of a twist to my childhood. When I was younger, I lost my older sister Maeve to a cardiac arrest. She was playing soccer in our town surrounded by family and friends when she passed. To say it rocked my family's world is an understatement. When you are a child, most don’t have a worry in the world but for me this feeling of empty, loss, and grief lingered but due to my age, I was unable to process it. Years later, I watched my family cope in more ways than one. From putting balloons up on her birthday, to having a mass on her anniversary, my family found little ways to come together as a family and keep her memories alive.
Childhood experiences and traumas shape the way you view your own life. I was beyond lucky to have the best family in the world with the biggest heart. I experienced a lot, saw a lot at such a young age, and had to see my loved ones grief. It was like a part of all of us went up to heaven with her. The worst part about this for me personally was all the “what ifs”. Questions like “what if she was here” or “what would my life be like with Maeve” or “she should have been going to college or had the chance to get married”. These questions lingered in my head constantly. It was this idea of how someone so young and full of life could get robbed of experiences like this. It wasn’t until recently where I truly took the time to understand that those questions are normal and are a part of the whole grieving process. I couldn’t have asked for a better support system than my family and friends. They have picked me up many times when I felt as though I was down.
Although this experience happened when I was younger, it still affects me every single day. From seeing the color purple, to seeing a butterfly, or anniversaries, or birthdays, or even seeing photos of her. There are constant reminders all around me but even with that I’ve tried to find ways to celebrate her. It isn’t easy celebrating someone who should be here with you but life is a mixed bag, we all get some good, and we all get some bad, but it’s through the bad that we can choose how we want to be as humans and I know for a fact that I want to honor my sister and continue to do that. If not with her, then for her mentality.
As time went on, I continued to make the best out of my situation and enjoy life for what it is. As I entered high school, I went to a private school in Brookline to pursue my dreams and goals in hockey. Although that was a huge adjustment leaving home and my friends, I knew this would help me get to my dreams. Once again, high school was the time of my life but I dealt with another round of adversity. Out of nowhere, I began fainting at all of my hockey games, leaving in an ambulance unconscious. My family and I were scared, once again we were left with many unknowns and worried about what was to come. During this time, I was pulled from hockey. I went from playing constantly in my games to sitting in the stands. No athlete is ever prepared for an injury. Not only is it physically taxing, mentally it is a whole other battle. To say I was devastated, was an understatement. No answers, just stripped from the sport I loved and had to take on a whole new role. During this time, middle of my sophomore year, I was in and out of the hospital constantly. This wasn’t the high school experience I expected but I was used to adversity so once again, I believed it was all a part of my plan and purpose. Testing after testing, nothing really changed. I was sick and so weak that I could barely get out of bed without feeling so nauseous and dizzy. I went from being the happy, joyful, energetic kid, to a kid that got winded going up the stairs after fainting. It knocked me down for days feeling very weak.
My family, doctors, and trainers wanted answers. We’ve already dealt with something so hard that we knew we had to fight and I knew I had to fight to get myself back in skates again. So, my family and I flew out to Chicago, being from Boston, in the middle of my sophomore year, to meet with a neurologist. I spent a week getting testing done and learning through EEGs and EKGs how to help me. Chicago helped me in more ways than one, and gave me the hope I needed to get back on the ice. Although Chicago was everything I needed and more, I fainted again during my junior year and I felt so hopeless. I felt like hockey was out of the picture and my dreams were not a reality. I remember telling myself, “Maeve didn’t get to fight, you do. Don’t give up”. So, back to the drawing board we went.
My final stop was the Spaulding Rehabilitation Center. I learned through exercise how to get my oxygen levels up. Spaulding Rehabilitation Center changed my life. They gave me the hope I needed but even more so, they had faith in me. They knew deep down I would get back on that ice whether the world kept fighting back at me. After three months doing outpatient physical therapy, I was officially cleared and ready to fight once again. It wasn’t just the doctors that helped me, it was the many people that left their texts open for me if I needed to call, talk, cry, and get some advice. The mental aspect was just as important if not more important through this. It was all a part of the puzzle. The people who know me, know how much I love: love life, love family, love friends. During this time, I wasn’t myself because I lost so much. But I can now say I found it. I found help. Whether it was a successful session at physical therapy or talking to someone.
Life is going to throw curve balls at you all the time. It is going to test you. It is going to knock you down and keep you down without a rhyme or reason. But you get back up, why? Because you can. You fight, you push through the hard, you battle until you get the results you’ve worked your whole life for. I can’t lie and not say that some days were so hard because they were but there was a little voice in my head, many signs I saw, telling me that I would be out there again. Whether it was a little sign from my sister, or the amazing support system I have, I knew this was just the start to my story and I knew my injuries were behind me. I can now proudly say I am fulfilling my dreams of playing at Boston College. Something I’ve been dreaming about since I could remember how to walk. I’ve always been grateful for my life but I try to find gratitude in my every day. Enjoy every moment, find the good, and remember to smile, and if you can give someone else a reason to smile, you might not realize how much they need it.
