Use a Safety Net

By: Jessie Wynne | tw: depression

I have never been more terrorized by my mental health than in my junior year of college. I have never felt so alone, so depressed, so anxious and so awful in my entire life. I don’t know if I have the words to articulate how hopeless and tragic it was. It felt like I was drowning and screaming for help, but every time I would try to get to the surface I was pushed down and my lungs filled with water. My depression is high functioning. My class schedule and GPA wouldn’t have told you that I was struggling. My stats and game log wouldn’t tell you that I had to drag myself out of my bed that morning. The truth is there was very little that would tell you that I was struggling. That my depression was suffocating me. That it was killing me.

My depression caused me to fall back to my go-to self-destructive behavior, which is to self-isolate. I let virtually no one into my struggle. No one had a front-row seat to the agony that I was feeling. The darkness of my depression enveloped me, and my anxiety sent me on a downward spiral. My thoughts became consumed with wanting to escape the pain, wanting to die. It seemed like every medicine that I took didn’t help, made me numb, or made everything worse. It got to the point where I looked at my doctor and we were both at a loss. For what medicines to try, and what treatment to pursue next. Every road seemed to be a dead end. Every day less and less hope was present.

Hitting rock bottom was when the suicidal thoughts would not cease and when the depression made me question everything about my worth and whether other people wanted me to be on this earth. I truly did not care about anything during this time, including the sport that I loved, the friends I loved, or my classes that usually interested me.

I tried to keep my struggle with mental health separate from everything else in my life. Lacrosse was in one box, my friends in another, school in yet another, and mental health pushed as far back in a box that was bolted shut. If there is one thing to take away from this, it is that you cannot compartmentalize your mental health. You cannot separate it from other parts of your life because it is impossible and will destroy you if you try. You have to let people in, you have to have a team of people that are connected to different aspects of your life and your mental health. I can say that is what saved my life then and has saved my life over and over again.

My advisor knows about my struggles with mental health, and he constantly checks in and provides so much support, connecting my mental health to school. My coach and teammates know about my struggle to battle my depression, opening up my mental health box to lacrosse. My doctor and counselor both know my vast medical history with antidepressants and helped me to advocate for myself to treat the darkness that runs through me. My counselor knows I’m an athlete and my teammates and coach know I see a counselor.

Now I have a web of support. A safety net full of encouragement, support, and help. Professionals, friends, teammates, and professors that have my back and know who I am. You can do hard things, but you can do them with support. Reach out. Tell your coaches, your professors, and your friends how you are truly feeling. I will never forget after telling my teammates that I was truly struggling and returning to my apartment with a stack of notes of encouragement. I am rooting for you forever.

Wherever you are in your journey I want you to know that you are never alone. There are people that want to support you. There are doctors that will help you to find a treatment plan and medicine that can help you. Working to find effective treatment can at times be agonizing, but please don’t lose hope. I am with you and so are many others.