On the Brink of Change
By: Shelby Milne
I was standing in the common area of my locker room at Hofstra in 2015 when I said, “I am not a heady athlete.” First, I can tell you now that I have fully accepted who I am and almost all my lived experiences and y’all I was 100% a heady athlete - I was a heady human! Second, you might be wondering why I remember the specifics of that moment. A few hypotheses have been formulated; I was verbally trying to convince myself everything I told myself up to that point was false, or I am the next Truman and life knew I would end up getting into sports psychology, which would lead my career into mental health work. Regardless of the reason, “not being a heady athlete” was the pitfall of my college career. I should have been a heady athlete, I should have asked for help, I should have learned how to emotionally regulate, and I should have recognized that not facing my demons off the field would translate to my not facing my demons on the field. All these things would have been amazing right, but a few things got in the way. “Shoulds” are a form of irrational thoughts and when you are in the trenches, it is extremely hard to see the whole picture.
I grew up smack dab between two brothers. When I had an issue growing up, I managed it the same way they did: I buried it deep down, played every sport I could get my hands on and got into working out. I mean this was great and all because it got me to Hofstra University where I got to play lacrosse. When I was 20 years old, that way of coping with unhealthy emotions could do more harm than good sometimes and when I say sometimes, I mean almost always. Lastly, we were not talking about mental health 6 years ago! I cannot sit here and blame anyone for the struggles that I went through, which were far beyond lacrosse I might add. If I was confused and unaware of what was going on with myself mentally, how could anyone around me recognize that? This letter to college athletes is inclusive to all college athletes. I cannot say I have lived through all struggles, challenges, and adversities. I can write what I know now that I wish I knew then when it came to mental health and mental wellness.
A few things before we get started. First, let’s get something cleared up. Mental Health is starting to get an unfair connotation. I know it has always had a negative stigma and we are still bucking that, but I feel like not only is there now a stigma, but as we start to open up about mental health within the athletic community it is a phrase that is feared. Mental Health lives on a spectrum. There is mental illness, there is mental wellness and there is mental fortitude. Mental health is not meant to be labeled or to be stagnant. Mental health is meant to be accepted, it is meant to be dynamic, and it is meant to be celebrated! Secondly, we cannot blame just one thing when it comes to mental health shortcomings. Mental health is so simple yet so complex. It includes your genetic make-up, your upbringing, the environment you grew up in, the people you surround yourself with, the society you live in, and the system you live in. Before we start pointing our fingers at one thing, understand this goes well beyond sports. Lastly, if you do not love a write-up filled with humor and lightheadedness, well then I apologize. As seriously as I take my mental health and the mental health of others, I have also learned to live lightly.
This letter is written by a retired collegiate athlete, a teammate, a friend, a current athletic trainer, a mental performance consultant, and a future licensed mental health professional. I hope this allows individuals to feel seen and understood. I also hope it gives people a language to what some of you might be experiencing and I hope it gives you insight into what is to come. Humans are resilient. Our bodies are so much stronger than we will ever know to be true, and our minds are biologically wired to keep us safe. If you keep that in mind and you think of all the times you felt stressed or afraid, instead of being upset with yourself, thank your mind for trying to keep you safe. Just like we put stress on the body to get faster and stronger, we need to put stress on the mind to become more mentally agile. Not to sound cliché, but when you don’t use it, you lose it. When you don’t lift weights, you lose muscle. When you don’t condition, you lose speed and endurance. When you don’t work through stress and adversity, you lose your mental agility. I am using the word stress on purpose because stress does not have to be unhealthy! Stress is a healthy and normal part of life. Stress becomes unhealthy when we do not cope with it appropriately. I will use myself as an example because it seems fitting at this point. I coped with stress by isolating, exercising, and lacrosse. Dealing with anything stressful alone increases stress. Dealing with stress through exercise, on top of 2 hours of strength and conditioning 3 to 4 days a week and 2 hours of lacrosse practice 5 to 6 days a week, I mean how was I walking by Sunday? Turn that stress up. Dealing with lacrosse was awesome when I was playing well, but if you are a perfectionist like I was in college and if you are your own worst critic like I was in college, then there were few days when I left practice or a game with less stress, can you say chronic stress. Thinking back now, if I knew how to cope with stress by taking myself on walks, writing, talking to a therapist or a close friend, and challenging my perspective, moments of stress would not have put me into fight or flight mode. Learning how to deal with stress is not mindless. Learning how to manage stress is an active, mindful process and takes time and patience just like developing a new skill in the sport. How are you actively and mindfully coping with stress?
Lacrosse, sports, being fit, and being athletic were all huge pieces of my identity growing up, and felt like it was the only identity I had in college. As I said earlier, I grew up between two brothers. If I wanted to hang out, it was sports and I learned that very quickly. As I got into high school I started to get recognized for my athletic ability and my hard work. It was also the best way to escape real-life stress. The harder I worked, the more I got praised. The more I was praised, the better I wanted to be. And this my friends was how perfectionism manifested for me. I valued the outcome over the process. I believed that the wins and losses said more to me and about me than the actual progress. When I tell people now that I am a recovering perfectionist their first reaction is to laugh. Sure, as whimsical as that must sound, I am serious. Finding out who you are versus what you can do is blurry when you are an athlete, let alone an elite athlete. When what we can do becomes a huge part of identity, if not our entire identity, our idea of our worth is tested every day. As a recovering perfectionist, the “P” word is no longer in my vocabulary: productivity. After college when I was at work as an athletic trainer at UPenn, one of the lacrosse girls asked me how my day was. I quickly replayed my day to evaluate how much I got done. At that moment I realized how little sense that truly made. Which was a good thing because that meant I was growing and changing, but growing and changing are uncomfortable. Evaluating my performance, my days even my rest days on how they were had always been based on productivity and what I could do. So six years post-grad, I can tell you, I am not what I can or cannot do. My days are not based on the level of productivity. This took unlearning from my childhood, this took unlearning from unhealthy coping, this took relearning who I was, what I am worth, by just being a human. Friends, who are you?
Our perception is our reality. This means that when you are on a team of let’s say 35 with 4 coaches, you have 39 realities in one system. There are 39 different people that cope with stress differently. You have 39 different people that are motivated by something…different. Conflict, hard conversations, asking for help, and resolutions are bound to happen and are all a part of a healthy team. It is normal to have conflict, it is normal to have hard conversations, and it is normal to ask for help. Yet, we are never taught to address these tasks head-on. Not talking about or not teaching these skills indirectly says “Don’t do it”, “It’s bad”. I spent so much time making up stories in my head, reading other people’s minds and putting words in other people’s mouths and not giving people the chance to speak for themselves. This could go for friends, teammates, coaches, family, and or professors, and sometimes if I was really lucky, all of the above all at the same time. Confirmation bias is when we make up a story (ex. “My coach is always yelling at me”). We are going to be more aware and search out facts that confirm that story because that is your reality. What story are you telling yourself?
In social comparison, we are biologically wired to do so. By evaluating our peers, colleagues, and siblings we pick what we perceive to be the standard and expectation. Once that standard is set, the expectations are made and everything we do is compared. Without knowing it, we have set a standard and expectation that will never be met, because we will never be anyone other than ourselves. If we repeatedly never meet our own set standards (yes, please read those multiple times and think about the paradox here), our core belief will soon become that we are just not good enough. The message about “not being good enough” could start with talent or physical appearances, romantic relationships, or even happiness. This message will start to consume and determine the way you think and the way you deal with stress. Social comparison is everywhere. It’s on sports teams, it’s on the field and off the field, it’s in the weight room, it’s in the classroom, it’s within families, it’s within groups of friends, it's on social media, it’s on TikTok. None of us are searching for the same things in life, we are all running our own race. If you evaluate yourself based on your race, would you be meeting your standards?
We are on the brink of change, we are on the brink of educating, and we are on the brink of awareness. It is amazing to see all of you athletes speaking out because we need this to highlight the need for prioritizing the mental health of student-athletes. At the same time, speaking out is not enough anymore. We need to be following through and asking for the help we need from licensed and trained mental health professionals. Coaches, athletic trainers, strength and conditioning coaches, nutritionists, parents, and friends all care and will always be there to support you. I have been honored to work with many amazing people that fill all of those types of roles, but when it comes to learning how to cope, finding yourself, and reconstructing negative thought patterns, that is a job for mental health providers. Just like any “market” we need to show a demand specifically for athletes. If you haven’t been, it’s time for you to start running your own race.
