Stop Surviving and Start Thriving

By Mary Rojack | IG: @livingwmary | TW: eating disorder

Since I was in middle school I always struggled with my self confidence and the way I view my body. Those of you who know me may not think I struggle with confidence, but it is still a battle I fight every day.

I always felt this pressure to change my appearance. I thought that I would be prettier if I was smaller or be faster and better at sports if I lost some weight.

Although this was a thought in my head, I never did anything about it because I was just a kid and was enjoying my life really without a second thought.

Once I got to high school and really started to immerse myself in social media – things started to change and I was constantly comparing myself.

Towards the end of my freshman year is when it really started for me. I would get home from lacrosse practice and go on runs, I would be very selective with what I ate, and would tell people I was on a weight loss journey.

Once my lacrosse season ended and summer started, I really took advantage of the unstructured time. I slept way too late everyday in order to push back my food intake, I worked out for hours on an empty stomach, and I definitely was not eating enough.

I was losing weight fast. But the scariest part was everyone was complimenting me. Everyone was feeding into my disorder telling me I looked so good and would ask me how I lost the weight!

I had my annual physical that summer and my doctor was concerned. She told me I should get professional help and come back in 2 months. She warned me that if I continued to lose weight I would need to go to treatment.

I was in shock! Was she serious? Me – a problem with eating. I wanted her to be quiet and leave me alone.

I continued to isolate myself from everyone and everything. My personality was gone. My smile was gone. I never wanted to be with my friends or family anymore. I was cold all the time, my hair was falling out, and I had no energy to do anything.

For the rest of the summer, I continued to feed into my negative thoughts.

I was working at a country club at the time and once again people just continued to compliment me – little did they know I was dying inside.

Once school started again – I was absolutely miserable. This also meant it was field hockey season – my favorite thing to do suddenly became something I dreaded everyday. I only saw it as a way to burn calories rather than have fun and compete.

I would get up, go to school, suffer through practice, and have to leave early to go to my dietician then to my therapist.

Eventually I reached a breaking point and realized the way I was living was not sustainable. I told my parents I needed more help because I didn't see the point in living anymore.

My parents and I decided to make an intake appointment with an outpatient program in hopes of getting proper treatment while still attending school.

Everything changed on that Friday for me. After four hours of testing, intake forms, and filling out questionnaires I was diagnosed with anorexia nervosa and put on bed rest for 2 weeks. My heart rate was resting at 20 bpm as the doctors referred to me as the walking dead.

The next two weeks were the hardest two weeks of my life. I was only allowed to get out of bed for meals and when I did I was put in a wheelchair.

All I could think about was how did I let it get this far? Why would I do this to myself?

But I didn't do it to myself. Eating disorders are not a choice. They are mental illnesses that completely take over people’s lives.

I thrive off of structure. Something that many people do not understand about eating disorders is that the root of it is deeper than wanting to change your body. It is about control. Controlling what you eat and how much you workout is easy to do when everything else feels uncontrollable. So when my eating disorder and food choices were forced away from me, I felt hopeless.

After I was discharged from the hospital I was put in a 6 month family outpatient program – meaning my parents were in charge of everything I was eating: thank God for them because without my parents I would not be where I am today. For the first two months I was there all day everyday and in the next 4 I was half day at school half day in the program.
These six months were so mentally challenging. I woke up everyday and was forced to fight my eating disorder. Some days were worse than others but I eventually noticed Mary coming back.

Right when I was getting back into school and feeling more comfortable, COVID happened.

I began to meet with my therapist virtually and decided to take COVID as a blessing in disguise.

This is when I really decided that I wanted to take my life back from the disorder that completely took it away.

I created an eating disorder recovery account in hopes of keeping myself accountable and inspiring others to do the same. I was still very ashamed and hesitant to tell anyone what I was going through. There is such a stigma attached to eating disorders that makes it feel like you should be ashamed and hide what you are going through.

But once I began to tell more people and post on my social media account – I realized that I could make a difference in this world. And that is exactly what I began to do.

I began to write about my story, share talks on retreats with my peers, adults, and underclassmen. I read many books and was constantly listening to recovery podcasts.

I wanted to use social media for the good and I continue to do so. Yes, I definitely came across many people who would judge me or make fun of my account, but I didn't let that stop me.

I showed my followers me challenging my fear foods, working out to celebrate my body, and my daily affirmations.

When we were finally allowed back at school, I was finally able to begin to play sports again.

This was really scary at first and I still did not have much energy but once I continued to learn how to intuitively eat and move my body – my life became much more full.

My sport became my motivation for recovery because without proper nutrition and fuel I knew I would never be able to play at the next level.

I developed a passion for fitness and proper nutrition. I learned to love going to the gym and moving my body as a healthy coping mechanism.

I still struggle and continue to struggle with negative body image and thoughts about food everyday even after over 3 years of recovery. However, I continue to remind myself of my progress everyday.

If you take away anything from my story, here are 5 things to think about:

1. Even the people who seem the happiest struggle too – always check in on your friends.
2. Eating disorders don't have a look and are not a one size fits all – this is just my story.
3. Seeking help can feel so hard but it is a sign of incredible strength, not weakness.
4. Just because someone is weight restored does not mean they do not struggle everyday with disordered voices.
5. Eating disorders are not a choice.

My goal is to help as many people as possible. I decided to major in psychology because I want to learn about the human mind and hopefully become an eating disorder psychologist one day.

Although my story is an extreme. There are so many different ways people struggle with eating disorders. Never compare your story to someone else's. Your feelings are valid no matter what and you are loved.