Avoidance

By Kayla Mitchell | @kayyymitchell

The professionals say we shouldn’t avoid our problems because when we run away, it doesn’t change the fact that they still exist. Sure, running makes the problem seem more distant in the moment, however, there will be a moment in time where you can’t maintain the speed you once began with. Your problems when not dealt with runs parallel with the storyline of the tortoise and the hare; their slow and painful demise will always win if you choose to run.

I’ve been running my entire life, both physically and mentally. Avoiding the lack of control I had been experiencing in my own life transformed into avoidance of food and avoidance of feelings. Avoiding became a way for me to fill the void of grasping for the miniscule amount of control I could gain back, and also the physical results that came with it. Every time I felt myself become a small shell of myself; lacking in personality, light, and glow, I recognized that this needed to occur to become the smallest physical version of myself. The validation that had come with a smaller body left me avoiding my problems I possessed as I continued to run.

As I continued to run I got slower and slower, but I didn’t care. I knew I could continue to find more things to propel my speed ahead. Working out until I felt numb in all aspects, posting on social media with a smiling mask, and never taking a “chill moment” provided me with a sense of comfort in having a booked and busy schedule. Running miles a day physically helped me run away from the feelings I was having, until my legs gave out and I hit a wall.

Suddenly I couldn’t utilize avoidance anymore and I felt that all of the comfort I had previously felt was ripped away from me. I feel all of the problems that I face stack up on each other like the biggest jenga tower I had ever seen until I tried to rip out one from the bottom as I watched the jenga tower topple over. The validation I felt from being in a physically smaller body, the praise I had received, and the way I saw myself in a mirror was suddenly gone; being stuck in a room with myself feels like I am in the mirror room in a carnival.

Morphed. Confusing. Not knowing which reflection is the real one.

Who am I without avoidance? Who am I without restriction? Who am I with true fulfillment?