The Dangers of Expectations
Anonymous | TW: eating disorder
Growing up, I wasn’t in the best physical shape throughout middle school and I still feel like I’m not in the best shape now. I started playing lacrosse around 5th grade because my parents decided it would be great for me to start making friends due to my social anxiety, but I would constantly feel like passing out after running a lap and would always be the last one to finish a team run or never finish at all. I thought lacrosse would help me stay in better shape and meet new friends, but my own experience with lacrosse has negatively impacted me more than what I had expected.
Throughout the years I would often compare myself to other girls on the team who are more athletically fit than me and I often beat myself up for not being up to these so-called “standards” of being skinny. Not only that I felt so insecure about myself, but I also felt alone. I really never had close friends or a friend group growing up so it was really hard for me to fit in with the other girls on my team that had already formed their own cliques. It was like this for years. The constant negative thoughts about my own body and the constant feeling of being alone continued through high school too. I try to fight off these thoughts by telling myself words of affirmation, but those never really worked for me.
Until Junior year before COVID hit, post tryouts was the last straw for me. Unfortunately I was cut from Varsity and JV because I “was not in shape”. Those were the words that my own coaches said to me when I went to talk to her about why I was cut. I felt that my coach could have worded it in a better way though. I was so frustrated and angry with myself upon leaving my coach’s office and I never knew such words could impact me negatively like that. Every night I would cry to myself at night wishing that I could have been different and wishing that I was skinnier. Despite having great stick work in lacrosse, I was fully convinced that my coaches were right about me.
At first I wanted to quit the sport, but a part of me wanted to stay because I spent so much time and effort in lacrosse. And I was not going to let a set of words ruin my passion for the sport. It wasn’t until everything had gone into lockdown due to COVID-19 where I thought it was the opportunity to work on myself for next year’s season. But the way I tried to achieve this was not in a healthy way. It was unrealistic and dangerous.
I began to skip meals and work out excessively everyday to the point where I felt like I’d lost the right amount of weight each day. I even went to the extremes of staying up until 8 AM so I could go to sleep after and miss lunch and dinner when I would wake up at night. I had thought my plan was a “perfect” shortcut, but it had consequences. I started losing a lot of hair and would faint a lot because I did not get enough nutrients throughout the day. Sometimes my parents and I would argue with each other because I never ate the food they would offer me. It was really hard too because I felt so disconnected from everyone during lockdown and my eating disorder damaged my parents and I’s relationship. I also never had a big support system that I could trust besides my closest friend.
This continued into early senior year as well. One day I fainted in front of my dad and he decided to take me to see the doctor where I was referred to a cardiologist to check on my heart and blood pressure. At the appointment, I told him that I was eating fine and all the weight loss was from exercising and lacrosse so I wouldn’t get sent to the hospital for an eating disorder. My cardiologist believed me and till this day I still feel incredibly guilty for lying and I wish I could have gotten the help then, but I also didn’t want to miss schoolwork considering that it was college application season too. I am really glad my friend was there for me throughout quarantining and helped me get into self-recovery before things got too late.
Senior year, I made it varsity. Till this day I still think that I made the team only because I was a senior. My coaches noticed that I did better on the team runs and even complimented me, but it didn’t make me feel better about myself after what they had said to me 2 years ago. I was still insecure about my body despite losing over 50 lbs in less than 6 months in a very dangerous way. I eventually have gotten better mentally and it took me months to regain control of my body.
Today, I am doing much better and taking care of myself. I still feel insecure about my own body after what I’ve experienced, but I am not going to let it walk over me and ruin my self-image and my love for lacrosse. My first year of college lacrosse went well and I had a very supportive coach and amazing teammates, but I’ve decided to transfer out because of my mental health and I felt like I could get better career and academic opportunities somewhere else. Overall, I’m glad things got better for me and I’m glad I’ve met supportive people to help me as well.
And a letter to all coaches,
Yes, I get that you have high expectations for your players and expect them to be able to run a mile in scorching heat. I also completely understand that athletes need to be conditioned in endurance and stamina for the game, but in a situation where you tell your own player that they aren’t fit enough straight to their face, is completely unacceptable. Student-athletes are more than just chess pieces on a field. They are people. Individuals with their own feelings. Coaches are supposed to be encouraging and help players reach their best, and if you cannot take the responsibility of that job then you are unfit for that coaching job.
I’m not here to slander my high school coaches as they have sometimes helped me , but the point of my message is that you don’t have to be a coach to have the responsibility of helping a fellow student-athlete in your life. You could be a teammate, parent, administration, or even a friend. It’s all on everyone to be careful about what we say or do.
Mental health in athletes is very important and even physical health too. Eating disorders in athletes are more common than you think. Due to the increase of societal pressures and weight perception especially in sports, the tendencies for unhealthy weight loss have increased along with it. According to a study done with NCAA D1 female athletes, 1 of 3 showed habits of an eating disorder.
There are no shortcuts. Even if you find one, it’s going to take a long journey to get back on track. It’s okay to reach out for help too. Your mental and physical health are always important. For those who are currently going through what I went through, I have attached some hotline numbers that you can reach out to.
National Eating Disorders Association Helpline: 1-800-931-2237
Hopeline Network: 1-800-442-4673
