Still I Rise
By: McKenna Braegelmann
IG: @mckennabraeg
Post-traumatic stress disorder in athletics is something you virtually never hear about as there is a huge stigma with mental health as it associates the athlete with being weak or not being able to do the job they are supposed to do.
This stigma allowed me to suffer in silence for three years without receiving help. At this time I had never felt more alone with no one to relate to. As today is the start of mental health awareness month I wanted to shine light on PTSD in athletics by sharing my story.
My traumatic experience occurred on July 14th, 2017, when I was pitching during a softball game. I got hit in the side of my head by a line drive up the middle. I was not wearing a facemask and I never lost consciousness. I remember everything, I remember feeling the world in slow motion, I remember falling hard, blood coming out my nose, losing hearing in my right ear. I was taken to the hospital by ambulance where I was diagnosed with a skull fracture and brain bleed. I got transferred to a children's hospital an hour away where I was told by an EMT that what was happening to me was critical and that they had to get me to the hospital as fast as they could because I could die. After staying overnight for observation I left the hospital the next day and was told I would be physically okay. I was told what a miracle it was that I suffered no long-term effects. I started practicing again 7 days later and played another 7 days after that.
I did not develop symptoms of PTSD until about 6 months later.
I started to develop nightmares and flashbacks involving pitching. It would happen when I was asleep and as I was awake. There would be practices where I was pitching to live batters where I would experience panic attacks. My heart would begin to race and my palms would become sweaty. I imagined the worst-case scenario when I was actively pitching, I would become hesitant and scared and would break down crying. I was scared and did not know what was happening nor why. No one, not my coaches or parents understood why I was acting the way I did. I felt like I was overreacting and being dramatic because that was what people were telling me.
This happened consistently for 3 years. I never got help. I didn't get help because I was in denial that anything was wrong with me and no one made it seem that there was something to fix. It was my new normal. My new normal of people telling me that I was overreacting and needed to figure it out. I did not know what I was suffering from and mentally just assumed it was something that I needed to “get over”.
I got help for the first time last year during my first semester of college. My pitching coach here at USD recommended that I go and talk with the sports psychologist on campus and little did I know that decision helped save my life.
I never realized what had been happening to me and that there was a way to help me. I never acknowledged that I was suffering. I had been suffering for so long alone that I kept it in. These panic attacks started to affect the way I was playing in college. It was not myself. I learned that I had not only
been living with PTSD but on top of that I was suffering from severe anxiety and during that first semester I also developed severe depression.
After going to therapy I learned what my triggers are and a vast variety of coping mechanisms that help me control my symptoms of PTSD when these triggers occur while playing. Such as the 5-4-3-2-1 method, using ice as a grounding technique, and focusing on diaphragmatic breathing. Certain events still trigger a physiological response in which I still struggle with.
All of this being said, I am still afraid. Every time I'm out on that mound I'm fearful. I’m afraid of it happening again, yet I do it anyway. I have learned to acknowledge that fear I have and work with it and not against it. This in itself was the most powerful, scary step for me learning how to play afraid. I have learned how important it is to remain present and not let one moment get too big.
What makes it difficult as athletes is that from the very beginning we are taught to push through, to push through the pain we may be experiencing and to keep going. Only when it has become physically impossible to move forward is when we seek help. When an athlete tries pushing through a physical injury people can see their suffering and it makes sense to rest because the athlete is not able to perform at their best.
The issue with mental health, unlike physical health, is that you can’t visually see it. The majority of athletes struggle with mental health but most of the time that suffering cannot be seen. Most suffer in silence. And since we are taught to push through the pain we keep going.
Understanding that mental health is just as important as physical health, especially as athletes, is a narrative that needs to be rewritten. Breaking the stigma regarding mental health should be a priority throughout the NCAA and as a society. For the longest time, I remained quiet and I suffered in silence. It is important to understand that suffering from mental health does not make you any less worthy. Reaching out for help is also not a sign of weakness but a sign of strength. You are so loved and so worthy.
