Show What’s Under Your Mask

By Esmae Leitzel | IG: @esmae_leitzel

There is a stigma with student-athletes and mental health. Many athletes don’t get help when there is a problem. There is a fear of being considered “weak” or the belief that coaches might think something of it or even teammates. There is also pressure of not only being  physically strong, but being “mentally strong” that sets high expectations on athletes and prevents them from getting the help they need. The amount of student-athletes who die by suicide and the ¼ of students experienceing depression needs to change. This is why I wanted to share my story.

My name is Esmae Leitzel and I am a freshman at Glenelg High School and I play on my school’s varsity girls soccer team. Throughout my life I've put on many masks to protect myself from the harsh realities of life. Growing up my dad was in the Navy and my mom was a nurse, so a lot of my younger childhood it was just me and my brother. My dad was always away from home since he was in the Navy and my mom was always working to support us. I didn’t really realize until last year how much my home situation really impacted me. I got used to moving around frequently and leaving behind everyone I had known and all my friends and starting from scratch to repeat the same cycle.This is when soccer became the big constant impact in my life.

Soccer has always been important to me. My dad put me and my brother in it when we were 3, and since then I loved it. There were moments where it was hard, but there was something about scoring that made me feel so free. Wherever I would go there would be soccer for me. When I moved to a new place the one common thing I knew what to do was play soccer. Soccer was a place I felt safe and almost gave me the same security that a home does, amidst all the times I have had other things change in my life.  

Last year I lost someone very close to me and that’s when everything hit me. After this person’s passing, all the negative thoughts boiled up and came crashing on me. I had the same things repeating in my head and saying, “Why does this have to happen to me?” My whole life soccer was important to me, but after this incident I slowly stopped caring about everything and anything. I put a mask on to hide my pain and put up walls to hide the struggling; I acted like nothing happened and just focused on acting normal for everyone, especially my coaches and family. 

I put on this mask because I was scared of showing people how I really felt, and scared of the judgment that would come along with it. However, ignoring it became too much. There was a point when I stopped caring about everything, even soccer. There was a time when soccer was what I lived for, however it turned into something I dreaded. I started to cope with my feelings by doing unhealthy things that were ultimately hurting me, and people began to find out. When these unhealthy practices first started, there were a lot of rumors spreading about me. However there were people I wasn't even close to that began to stand up for me and shut down any hateful or unwanted comments. From that moment, I realized there will always be people who have entitled and hateful comments to say, but the people who stand up to those comments and are there to help and care about you, are the ones who really matter.  

I was a part of the ¼ of student-athletes experiencing depression. Although it is very hard and difficult exposing this part of myself, I have learned how important it is for me to share my story. I'm so happy that I reached out; I was terrified and I didn't want to seem weak, and I definitely didn’t want people’s view to change about me. However,  I'm so happy that I’ve found a place that gives me the support I need. The one thing I want someone to take from my story is that- "Life isn't perfect and unexpected things do happen. Instead of acting like they won’t happen, be prepared when they do. Prepare yourself to have pain and be struggling. Being in sports I learned to put a mask on to focus on the game instead of what’s going on in real life. People are scared to show what’s under the mask because people might think it’s ugly and more than likely people will think of you negatively. But there will be some people who think you’re even more beautiful under it. Most people are there for your best, but some will leave you at your worst.”