Prioritizing What Is Right
By Tierney Janovsky | IG: @t.janovsky
In the world of sports, pain is a prerequisite. Constant body aches, injuries, and sore muscles are nothing to bat an eye over. As a competitive athlete, you are told that suffering though physical pain is merely part of sport. However, an athlete's mental health truly suffers the most. Due to the competitive nature of intensive sports and the lack of conversation surrounding mental health in the athletic community, athletes are taught to mask their mental pain or mental health concerns. Being a competitive athlete myself, my mental health was gravely impacted as a result of toxic ways of thinking. It took a tragic accident, landing me in the hospital, for me to learn my lesson that mental health is a true priority. This past year, I learned how important it is to prioritize your mental health and well-being. This lesson changed my life for the better, resulting in new formed ways of thinking and promoting my mental well-being.
As a young girl I was immensely care free. I did not stress or have intrusive anxious thoughts, I was the happiest little girl. However, as I became more competitive in my sport, swimming, and began to age, my anxiety and stress increased. I would beat myself up over every practice, race, or bad time. As I entered high school, it was manageable. However, during my high school career I underwent my first shoulder surgery, only to have another one the following year. At the young age of eighteen, I had undergone two major shoulder surgeries. My second surgery occurred during my freshman year of college at Providence College. It was also my first year competing for a D1 swim team, my life goal. Unfortunately, I lost my competition season due to my injury. My mental health began to rapidly decline; anxious thoughts and constant doubts flooded my mind. I felt as though I was less than my competitors due to my chronic pain from the two surgeries. The summer before entering my sophomore year at Providence College I was diagnosed with generalized anxiety disorder, social anxiety, and obsessive compulsive disorder.
Meanwhile, my shoulder was in constant pain from the surgeries and I was months behind my teammates training wise.
When I started my sophomore year at Providence College, I was terrified. I was in consistent pain, mentally and physically, yet I still refused to consider walking away from the sport I had dedicated my entire life to. I spent the first month rehabbing my shoulder, despite being seven months post-op. Simultaneously, I struggled to make friends, began medication for my anxiety and OCD, and hated being so far away from my family. All of these factors resulted in the rapid deterioration of my mental health. I had never felt more alone in my entire life, the one thing I went to this school to do I was unable to do as my shoulder pain was intolerable. One night, my anxiety and depressive thoughts took over, like a tidal wave. I had no control over my own thoughts. My mind kept racing, saying things such as “you will never be good enough,” “no one likes you anyways,” and “you are an embarrassment to athletes.” I was so immensely overwhelmed I lost control of myself. Unfortunately, those intrusive thoughts and feelings led me to harming myself in a way I never even fathomed I could.
After a night I barely remember, I laid in a hospital bed alone with bandages on my body. Thankfully, my family rushed from Michigan to Providence when they were contacted. That day, my mother and father took me back home. I had no clue what had just happened to me and had no plan of action. I spent the next week in bed and being interviewed by psychiatrists. It took a while and required a lot of support, but I ultimately began treatment for my anxiety and changed the medication I was taking. As I took steps to improve my mental well-being, I finally allowed myself to walk away from my dream of swimming in college. I gave up my spot on the team at Providence College and applied to Michigan State University for the Spring 2022 semester.
Initially, I never would have taken the leap and transferred. I felt as though I was a failure; I believed I would be leaving behind swimming and a prestigious school as a result of weakness. My response to the experience changed once my concerns surrounding mental health led to a mistake that rapidly placed me in the emergency room. This experience, while catastrophic, resulted in prioritizing my health and happiness. Despite the belief I grew up with as an athlete that giving up equates failure, I have learned that this could not be more false. I have learned that if something or someplace is not truly making you happy, resulting in harmful behaviors and a negative outlook, it is not giving up, it is simply choosing what is best for you. This experience rewired my outlook on life. I have always been the person who puts their head down and silently works, never taking a second off as I had the fear of rest. Now, I am able to recognize that breaks are a necessity: mentally and physically. Additionally, I have always had a passion to help others and I have learned, by accident, from this experience that I want to dedicate my life to helping those out there in the midst of their mental health battles and struggles.
To conclude, this turbulent year was one of much difficulty, yet I learned so much from it. As a high-strung, competitive athlete, I did not prioritize my mental health. As I continued to neglect it and faced more aversions in my life, my mental well-being deteriorated rapidly. It took me being rushed to the emergency room in order to realize that something had to change. With much support I transferred, walking away from my sport. These past two years I have been able to flourish in my new environment, now that I have learned how important it is to prioritize your mental health and well-being. Currently, I am pursuing medical school in hopes of becoming a psychiatrist, as my own journey motivates me everyday to be the voice for the voiceless during times of need. I hope that by reading this story people are able to realize that it is not abnormal to struggle with these things. This is not a story of tragedy or one to feel sorry for, rather it is a story of inspiration.
