Playing the Game With Chronic Pain

By Matia Gioeli | IG: @matia_gioeli

Athletes have a driving power within themselves that makes them compete and fight for what they love doing. I never thought lacrosse could be taken away from me but as I grew older my body proved me wrong. Being an athlete with chronic pain is a constant, daily battle. You compete on the field while simultaneously fighting against a body that is failing you. This physical and mental battle is constant but it does not mean you cannot live a fulfilling and active life.

Imagine, you are in a hospital bed all drugged up and just trying to get a grasp on everything around you. Your vision is off but you can still vividly see the pain in your parents' eyes as we receive yet another negative test result. The doctor comes in, who has done nothing but poke at you and question if this is all a hoax, only to now suggest that you go home on a morphine pump. Read that again and think…a morphine pump!? I am sixteen years old. I knew my pain was real and I knew something with my body was wrong. I used every bit of the sapped energy I had remaining to relentlessly advocate for myself with my doctors and pull myself back up again.

By my senior year of high school I had undergone countless MRI’s, CT’s, bone scans, intercostal nerve blocks, trials of medications, lumbar punctures, new hospitals, new medical trials, and medical professionals always telling me that I was a lost cause. That is until one blood test gave me an answer to the question of my pain. At age seventeen I was diagnosed with Internal Shingles. A rare and bizarre condition often seen at older ages, but here I was, in my teens, just trying to survive high school.

Internal Shingles is the same virus as the Shingles Virus but without the rash and with deeper consequences. I was able to find a form of treatment that helped manage my nerve pain. One day a week for a duration of a year, I sat in the hospital receiving lidocaine infusions. Sitting there getting pumped full of a numbing analgesic can easily make someone go crazy. I kept my mind busy watching lacrosse films, submitting my college applications, and staying ahead of my school work to graduate high school on time. 

I am not here today to tell you I am pain free. In fact, I live in constant pain everyday. My pain is seemingly now more manageable for me and it is something I have had to accept living with. Many chronic pain conditions are invisible and isolating illnesses. Just because people look fine or even appear to be happy does not mean they are not suffering. It is exhausting. It is even more exhausting to hide it under the, “I’m okay” mask. I have done this for too long and in sharing my story I am beginning to shed this mask in hopes that my experiences can help others. Being human, I certainly have my bad days, and they remind me it is okay to allow my body to rest. Some days even I am not sure how I will get through it, but I do know that I will live my life no matter the level of pain I am in.

It was not a plan for me to keep this a secret from others, it just sort of happened. My friends, my teammates, my athletic staff, all are not aware of the pain and passion I put forth every day to make it to the next. The funny thing is, Internal Shingles is not the only painful condition I live with. I also have a diagnosis of Crohn’s Disease, an inflammatory bowel disease that leads to chronic inflammation of the GI tract. This causes severe abdominal pain along with some other fun symptoms when it flares, but that is another story for another day. The pain from Internal Shingles is a special type of pain. It is a dull, deep, sharp pain, like being stabbed all over the right side of my rib cage. This unreal type of pain swiftly drains all energy. Forget running on a field, I cannot even move from my bed to the couch. No more ground balls as I can not bend over to tie my own shoes. Do not even try to cheer for your teammates or to communicate on field because even laughter can send me into a painful spiral. No need to get a dress for game days because I can only attend maybe two days at school as I disappear among my peers. 

I can say very confidently that living with a chronic condition does not make a person weak. It has the ability to break you down physically and mentally, but you are a fighter. During one of the worst times of my life I was forced to stop doing something I loved and was unable to play lacrosse for the last two years of highschool. Having already been admitted to Castleton University, I just walked-on to my first practice and played. I never wanted pity, I never wanted to be treated differently on the field, and I never wanted to just be known for my battles. I still do not wish those things upon myself. All I wanted was to earn a spot on the team, keep playing the sport I love, and enjoy being a teammate again. I understand now that the battles I endure have helped shape who I am. They do not define me but they empower me to continue. It can alter your life for better or worse — I choose better.

This is the core of my strength and resiliency: my battle with chronic illness gave me a greater appreciation not only for the sport I love but also my life. My case is so rare and unique that I am known as the only adolescent with internal shingles, based on records. Only having myself as support, I had to build strong armor to just survive the isolation of it all. In lowering this armor, I want others to understand I carry such high expectations because everyday is an ongoing silent battle that gets done. To know what I am capable of within the pain and suffering I endure I push others to bring out their potential and to dig deeper than they think they can. This is because I dig deeper than I know is possible every day I am on the field. I have a hard time watching teammates cut corners with their physical gifts and skill sets because I can only imagine what I would give if I were free from the internal struggle of pain. 

This is why I push myself, my teammates, and my opponents to strive further on and off the field. It has not been easy and it will continue to be challenging. When it gets hard I remind myself that I went from laying in a hospital bed as a lost cause to earning my spot on a collegiate lacrosse team, playing the game I love. I am fighting through one of the toughest battles impacting my physical health and my mental health. This will be a lifelong battle that requires strength, perseverance, and a hell of a lot of work, but I will continue to persevere. I have already defied the odds and the fight is worth it. I encourage anyone reading this to understand that pain, mental or physical, does not define you. You have the power within yourself to strive for the life that brings you joy. Surviving is an achievement. Now, celebrate life! Because at times it will be scary and it will be hard but you are not alone. 

You, too, can beat the odds. 

You, too, are worth the fight.