A Brave Break

By: Chloe Osborne

I am writing this because I know personally the struggles many student-athletes face on a daily basis with mental health. I am one of those athletes. I have seen the news in our community and it hits really close to home for me for multiple reasons. 

I never really had difficulty with my mental health until I went to college. I was always happy. During freshman year, my struggles really started. I felt unmotivated to go to class, practice, and everything else. I masked it by hanging out with friends and pretending like everything was okay because if I faked it, I would make it. I was told I should fake it till I make it. 

It’s important to acknowledge everyone’s experience is unique and their own — this is mine. 

People love to think that we are student-athletes by choice and that if we are struggling to do both, we should just quit. Quitting is not easy. Many of us are ingrained with the idea that in sports, you never give up. I never wanted to quit, but sometimes I truly needed a break. But forget taking a break too, because taking a break meant I was weak. News flash: I’m not. It is okay to quit. Sometimes making that choice is a good one, but it is a personal choice.

This past year, my mental health struggles have been the hardest. I felt like giving up. I desperately needed a break from lots in my life but did not want to ask for one, did not know how. I masked my pain by thrusting myself into practice, work and relationships. I was a junior, I was so close to being done. I could not afford to take a break. Once again I was faced with this idea that if you take a break from practice, you will not play because missing practice means less opportunity to be seen. If you take a break from class, your grades suffer. If you take a break from your relationships, people will not be there for you when you need them most. It feels like an impossible choice sometimes. My life was full of one obligation after another. I did not have time for everything I needed to do. 

I felt lost. I did not feel that I could speak up because no one would understand. When I tried to confide in the person closest to me, I felt judged and it left me feeling closed off. I was left not feeling confident in my own abilities to figure out what help I needed.  At the time, I needed someone to hold my hand and physically walk me to therapy. I did not have that. I needed someone to be there for me and just listen. I needed to feel like I was not going to be judged. 

Being away from college and dealing with my mental health is challenging. Currently, I am home for the semester. The choice was one due to circumstances outside my control but nonetheless difficult to handle. Being removed from academics and athletics felt like a part of my identity was missing. I am a student-athlete without college and athletics. It was really hard to know who I was without them and I struggled to answer the question. 

I felt like I lost my support system. My friends were all super busy. My boyfriend of the time did not have time to be there in ways that helped make me feel better. I felt isolated. This is truly no fault of theirs, but it was so hard being hundreds of miles away from my support system. Every game I watch I feel left out. Every social media post presents me with FOMO. It is hard to feel like the world is moving forward and you are just staying in the same place. 

I felt like no one understood me and my struggle. It was difficult attempting to open up to the people closest to me because they were going through busy days. They had class, practice, lift, lives filled with other obligations. While they had their own stuff to do at night, I was lying in bed doing nothing. I felt guilty for wanting to talk to them and when I really needed to, I felt bad for asking. 

Addressing my own mental health has not been easy. It only has been up until recently that I have felt so much happier. My life has not been perfect, but despite all of that I choose to wake up and try. I realize what I deserve in my life — to live for myself. I should not live for the people around me, I am my own person. 

It is not easy opening up about how we are feeling. We are not perfect and our lives are not perfect. It is not easy asking for help or a break. 

The athletic community as a whole needs to make sure people feel like they can talk about what they are going through without fear of consequences and judgment. Speaking up is not weak.

As athletes, we are so good at putting on a front and pretending like everything is going to be okay because we are used to staying composed when things are on the line. As a community, we need to start being there for each other more. Mental health struggle is viewed as a negative thing and that needs to change. Making it seem that people are broken by their mental health struggles only makes people feel more isolated and alone. But, we are not alone in how we are feeling. 

Just please, do not feel like you have to hold it in as I did. Do not feel like you do not have options because you do. Do not be scared to explore your options. You have so much to give. Most importantly, whether you think it or believe it, just know that someone cares about you. You make someone’s life better. You are more than just a student-athlete and I hope you know that. 

One of the bravest things you can do is reach out to friends, teammates, and people who care and just voice what is going on. We are only stronger together, so do not be afraid to ask for help whether it is from strangers, friends, teammates, partners, parents, coaches, professors, or professionals, someone will be there to listen. Taking a break is brave.