Episode 42 - Connor Coyne

In this week’s episode of The Mental Matchup, Kat talks with Connor Coyne (@concoyne). Connor is a former collegiate baseball player, current social marketing associate and TikTok creator. During this episode, we talk about the importance of therapy, the impact of social media, and how one of the greatest powers you can have is being unapologetically yourself.

Transcribed Episode:

0:11

Hello and welcome to the mental matchup, a podcast surreal to shine a light on one of the hardest competitions in athlete will ever face the matchup against their own mind. I'm Kat and today I am here with Connor Coyne get ready for a knock your socks off just really raw, really vulnerable. All right really cool episode. In talking with Connor, he you know works as a social marketing, social media marketing associate. He's a former collegiate athlete, he's worked with, you know, the media department and in the Media Department at Harvard, and currently also creates content for tic tock where you might know him for from. Beyond that he is just an incredible human and a really stand up person. And we had some amazing conversations throughout the conversation that covered a ton of different topics, from you know, November to go into therapy to really embracing who you are, and being yourself in spite of what others may think, and really just talking about normalizing mental health and the conversation surrounding mental health, and what he is currently doing with the platform that he has built. And I think everyone's really gonna learn a lot from this episode. So with that, let's get to it.

1:46

Connor, thank you so much for coming on the mental matchup, I am pumped, pumped to talk to you about all of your different experiences, but more so just to talk and open up the conversation, especially around men's mental health, which is something I think, you know, needs to be needs to be discussed. So can you give us a quick little intro about who you are, you know, what you do? And everything in between, to our, to our audience?

2:13

Absolutely. First of all, thank you for having me. I think this is awesome. I'm so excited. I know we connected earlier. And, you know, I think this is going to be a cool opportunity to like shed light on, you know, a topic that is kind of swept under the rug a lot. But yeah, so my name is Connor, I'm originally from St. Louis. I've been living in Boston for almost five years now, which is kind of crazy. played baseball and sports. Growing up my whole life. Baseball was kind of like my natural. You know, my more inclined at athletic ability, talented score, I guess you could say, compared to everything else. So I played in college all four years. I started all four years in college, which was awesome, was great. And then yeah, currently, right now I do a lot of creative content in social media marketing for DraftKings and an up and coming industry. And then as well as my kind of like side passion project is really, really working close with the foundation November and a studio here in Boston called Rev cycling studio to kind of raise awareness for men's mental health and, you know, in efforts to empower men to speak up and out about their emotions and insecurities. And, you know, to normalize these conversations and men's mental health and normalize the stigma that it's okay not to be okay. And, you know, it's okay to want that support. And everything in between. So it's kind of a really SparkNotes edition of me what I'm doing right now and kind of efforts to help normalize these conversations.

3:37

Yeah, which is, which is I mean, everything you're doing, I think, is not only incredible, but also very needed to open up that dialogue. Because I think it's something that just for too long has, you know, it's like rub some dirt in it or you know, don't show your emotions be a man, which is just quite the opposite of what what we want people to be doing. Um, let's let's dive into growing up in St. Louis and baseball and the role it the role it played in your life, like were you, you know, at practice seven days a week, like what did that look like? Growing up?

4:13

Yeah, yeah. So I think it was one of those things where, like, I knew growing up, especially in high school, and even like even even in middle school, like baseball for me was something that I wanted to pursue in college and so you know, my summers and springs were baseball travel team in the summer, you know, obviously high school team throughout the, you know, the school year and everything like that, but baseball was kind of like very much like my focus, I was practicing practically, I almost say, you know, at least like five times a week, five, six times a week, you know, an offseason it's a little bit different, but I knew that I wanted to like grow up playing sports and just like had that dedication to the game and like wanting to see how far I can take it, you know, just like everyone kind of growing up my what I wanted to be when I people were like, oh, you know, what do you Want to be when you grew up? My first answer was professional baseball player I wanted to play for the St. Louis Cardinals, you know, so bad. And so that was kind of like my passion. And I was really adamant about wanting to see how far I could take it. In high school, I kind of really decided that I wanted to go to a school that could not only provide like playing time, but also like support, who I am as a person, I went to a pretty small, like private high school. And so kind of staying in that small community like, was very important to me. And so, ultimately ended up deciding to go to a small school in Illinois, had the opportunity to play baseball, like I said, all four years there and start and, you know, that's kind of like for me, like, it was it was icing on the cake, I was, you know, getting to go to practice and workout with these guys, you know, to a days and then also actually get playing time, instead of sitting on a bench. And you know, that was it was so worthwhile, where I was like, wow, everything that I worked for growing up is like really come into fruition here. And so, you know, sports was such a big, big part of my life. I, you know, the classic, like, I learned so many lessons about myself, character development, education, you know, time discipline, management, all that stuff through sports, and it's, you know, you, you go through it every day, and you don't really think too much about it until you're away from the game and you're like, wow, like this, this really left like a huge impact on my life.

6:19

Definitely, um, in growing up and in sports, or even out of sports. Were there any conversation surrounding mental health? Had you? Like, did you have any, you know, also, like, close friends, family, whatever, like, did you ever deal with it in any kind of capacity in high school or like childhood?

6:40

Yeah, it's, it's interesting, because growing up, in, I think, probably a lot of it's just kind of like, the environment that I was in with my family. And like, with school, and everything like that, like, growing up, like, especially in high school, like, we were, like I said, like a prop, a small private school, like, you know, religious High School in St. Louis. And so there wasn't like a lot of discussion or topics about like, mental health, or kind of, like, the psychology of everything. And so that was just kind of an area of life, I guess you could say that I wasn't like, too familiar with, like, you know, obviously, everybody talks about how sports specifically, you know, baseball in particular, like, from my experience, like, it's such a mental game, you know, the whole, the whole basic premise of the game is like, you could go three for 10. And that's considered great when, you know, three out of 10 on a test is 30%. And that's a fail, you know, so it's like, such an interesting dynamic about how you approach the game and a game that's kind of built almost on failure in, in that sense, is like, really interesting to kind of think about that capacity. And so, you know, I had always heard people talk about the importance of, you know, making sure that your mind is right for sports, but also like, for life, but it was something that I never kind of never like really, like sat with for a while until I got to college, where the conversations of mental health and more specifically, like how I approached baseball, in particular, really started to change. You know, there was an instance, there's an instance in college where it was, it was like an opening day, my sophomore year, like, you know, in front of our home crowd and obviously, you kind of just have like the nerves of, you know, your first home game of the season like wanting to impress your friends and family and everything like that. And there was, you know, a lot of pressure and I was typically the type of guy who, like, always held myself to like a really high standard. And I went, excuse me. I think on that day, I went over five with five strikeouts, I got home and it was that fifth strikeout where I like completely lost it and like, get back to the dugout and I'm like throwing a temper tantrum. I'm throwing my helmet my bat like all this stuff. And you know, my coach pulls me aside he's like you're done for the rest of the game. I sat for like the next five, six games.

8:57

We are going to take a quick break and we'll be back with Connor in a second. I'd like to take a moment to talk about Morgans message. They're amplifying stories, resources and expertise to confront student athlete mental health. Morgans message is building a community community buy in for athletes, and providing a platform for advocacy. Morgans message strives to eliminate the stigma surrounding mental health within the student athlete community and equalize the treatment of physical and mental health and athletics to help us take a shot at mental health to support our mission or to find out more head to Morgans message.org. Or follow along on Instagram at Morgans message.

9:48

And so, yeah, he said he'd sent me if I didn't, you know, change my approach to the game and that was kind of a wake up call that I really needed to like check myself and so I checked out this book, it was literally called Like the mental game of baseball, or like the mental side of the baseball, I read through that. And in that I was like, wow, like, how we've been approaching the game, like kind of that pressure that I put on myself needs to be changed. And I think immediately after that, like when I saw my reaction to the results of the game, like the strikeouts, I was like, I never want to become that type of player, let alone that type of person ever again. And so that was kind of like that one. shining moment. For me, that was like, Whoa, like, my mental health, my mental approach to the game is like, very important, and I need to, you know, take care of it.

10:34

Going back to, I guess, like, it can be, you know, senior year, freshman year of college, whatever it may be thinking about, like, Are you and I feel like, being an emotional person has like, a negative connotation, like, I am very, like emotional, like, I react. Like, if I listen to a certain Elton John song, I just start crying. And like, it's taken me a while to like, accept that. That's just like fact, and that there's nothing wrong with it. Because for so long, it's like, why are you crying? You know, people are like, Why are you doing this? Why are you doing that? Were you like, did you have? Do you feel like you were more like an empath growing up? And was there anything under the surface that just kind of boiled over? When that happened? Like, lead us through? Looking back now? Right, hindsight? 2020? Kind of like what you think led to that to that awakening moment?

11:27

Yeah, I think I think growing up, I had always been a more emotional person in the sense of like, I feel like I've always been very in tuned with, like, my thoughts and feelings, and you know, the type of the type of person that I'm going through a breakup or I'm sad, like, put on sad, you know, music like, I like I was five. Yeah, yeah, exactly. So it's funny though, because like, when I remember, in college, I took a, I was like, in some, like, career class, you know, one of those classic, like Gen Ed, things that you had to get through. And we did like personality trait, like tests, and you can really, like, see, like, what, you know, your top five, like character traits or anything, and my number one trait was empathy. And it didn't surprise me at all. Because, like, I always felt like I did a good job of understanding people's emotions, understanding their feelings, and where they're coming from, and everything like that. And so, you know, I think I've always been in tune with my emotions and feelings. And I looking back at the moment, in particular, with baseball, and like, specifically that game, I think, I think the fact that growing up, I had always kind of been on like, the better teams seeing a lot of personal success, like a better player with the on the teams that I was on and everything and so I held myself to like a really high standard just because of seeing, you know, a lot of personal results, the training everything that I put into the game. And so I think because I held myself to like, such a high standard, I put so much pressure on myself, these expectations that I had that me striking out five times in a game, that was like, the worst possible you might as well kick me off the team, you know, it was like one of those situations where I was like, this can never happen again, like I an awful player, like, I shouldn't be playing baseball, like all this stuff. And, you know, it even like, even stems back, I had an experience prior to that college moment, where I was not playing well at all for some summer travel team. And to the point where like, I thought about quitting baseball, because I was like, you know, I'm not getting any playing time. And when I do get playing time, I'm choking, like, I'm striking now, like, I'm making errors on all this stuff. And it's like, it got to one summer where I was like, I honestly don't want to play anymore. And like, that's kind of a weird feeling to be like, I've been playing this game since five, six years old, like this is all that I've known and all of a sudden for me to one day be like, No, I don't want to play because of those pressures and those expectations that I put on myself because I wasn't seeing the success that I wanted to see. And then so I think you know, I think obviously that experience in high school and then the experience in college and just kind of like knowing who I am as more of like an emotional like person you know, a lot of teammates and players have always said that like I wear my emotions on my sleeve which isn't like a bad thing like I play I play I always played like with a heavy heart and like you know taking a very seriously you know, not wanting to like not wanting to lose and obviously everything that comes with it. And so like looking back at that experience I'm like oh, it makes so much sense that I kind of like react that way just be emotional person I am but I also like I don't think that's a bad thing I think more so than anything like it just shows how much I care and how much I've been invested in myself and my time my body into something that I love so much that like yeah, I didn't see this success I wanted it it was because like I cared that much you know, I wanted to like for the betterment of myself for like obviously personal gains but obviously for the team you It's one of those situations like, I don't do well personally, but it's a team sport. And then you feel like great. I let the team down too. And so I think that's, yeah, it's kind of like a weird thing to like, look back at now and be like, it all kind of makes sense. Like knowing myself who I am now, knowing what I was going through and everything at the time. I'm like, yeah, like, it makes sense that I reacted that way. But it's also like crazy, like, that high school experience, like, do I think that that was directly result of, you know, like, do I think my college experience was a result of that? Probably, to some extent, you know, it's kind of wild to see carryover in that, in that sense.

15:36

Sports or sports are so interesting. Like, I feel like I've learned a lot through interviewing people. And something that kind of stuck with me, like looking back now is that you play such a high value on sports and the role they play in your identity. Like when you're a kid playing sports, you're the top one on the team, or, you know, whatever. It's like, oh, you're your cat. You play lacrosse here. And you're like, Yeah, that's me. And so like, for the longest time, I was always like, Okay, I'm characterized by my grades. And by like, the sport I play, and since graduating, like, the whole identity shift with, like, going into the real world was a real shocker. But something that stuck with me, that I heard is like, lacrosse is something I do, or that I did. It's not who I am. And I think making that distinction, like can help kind of build build safer boundaries, because I'm the same way like I when we would lose, I'd like take it to heart, right, like, and I listened. I warned that bench better than anyone else. But I'd be like, I'd be like, What could I have done better on scout team to like, prep my defenders, right? And like, I'd be like, oh, like, that girl had four goals, like, I should have done better. Like just things like that. And I feel like it can be this dangerous cycle of like, when the highs are highs and the lows are lows, but how do you how do you get it to like balance out right and make it so you're not as like emotionally affected? Or like worn down? In terms of in terms of the dugout dugout breakdown? If you're okay with me coining it that.

17:13

Yeah, we can coin it that,

17:16

that the dugout breakdown? Um, what happened after that, like, did you get therapy? Like, I know, your coach, your coach, essentially sat you for five games. But what, what ultimately, like, came out of it in the, in a positive sense, and like, what were the next steps you took to make sure that didn't happen? Like beyond like, you know, reading a book that you think of stuck with you like, today?

17:41

Yeah, I think it's so interesting, because, like, after that moment, like, I felt so embarrassed, like, embarrassed for myself, just because I reacted that way, but also, like, embarrassed for my team, to, for someone to be rat reacting that way, like a part of the team and everything like that. And so afterwards, like, I definitely needed to, you know, kind of do like a, just a whole, like mental check and be like, hey, like, what's going on up there? Like, is everything okay? And so, you know, like I said, like, looked into that book. And but like, more or less, like, really just wanted to change, like, how I approached like the game specifically, like, my lifestyle and everything. And so you know, the game, when I when I think about like baseball, I think about like, what ultimately like shifted for me, like mindset wise, I was like, You know what, like, yes, like I have put so much pressure on myself for so long to be so good. But going forward, moving forward. Like I said, I didn't want to be that type of person. I didn't want to be that type of player. So how can I show up every single day to be the best teammate? How can I show up and be my junior year is named Captain like, How can I be the best captain? How can I be the best communicator for between me and my coaches and everything in between? So instead of like, having such a focus on how can I be the best player because I feel like that's so result driven. If I'm like, oh, shoot, you know, I only had one hit today, instead of having three hits. Like I clearly didn't do the best today, but it's instead of more intrinsic and being like, okay, like, I can do X y&z for my teammates that might need extra support in the classroom, I can communicate and help bridge the gap between my coaches and my teammates this weigh in. So that was a lot of kind of, like, the shift that I had mentally when it comes to baseball, specifically, and then, you know, looking once I did that shift, and like my junior my senior year when I was like, You know what, like, I want to be, you know, the best the best teammate I can possibly be. And I just want to have fun like, this is a game, you know, those years where success wise results wise and like statistically like, my best years, and it was the years that I didn't care as much per se. And it was years that I was like, You know what, this is a game like this is a game that I love. This is a game that I grew up loving. Let me treat it that way. And it was very much one of those things that I was wanting to go in and approach each season with a very short memory be like Oh, Okay, like, sure I went over three with two strikeouts and I, you know, fly out to center field. Okay, great, guess what, I've got another game tomorrow, let's put this one behind me let's focus on what I can do tomorrow to be better a better teammate a better person, whatever it may be, and not so much dwell on this negativity because I was like, oh, shoot, if I struck out and I put on this pressure that I need to get a hit the next step that okay, well, guess what I'd probably strike out again, you know? And so like, instead of like focusing so much on these results, but just focusing on like, having fun, like moving on, what can I learn? How can I grow as a player as a person from each game from each at bat from each pitch. And so that was kind of like the approach that I took to the game like after that whole incident. And then in person two, I think that was something that like really woke me up because I was very much like I said, like, I was pretty embarrassed at the situation. Like all my friends, my family saw how I reacted that way. And I was like, great, like, I don't want to be known as this Connor coin kid with a short fuse and a short temper, and just like a bad attitude about things. And I was very much wanting to just kind of like, take a moment to like, recenter myself and again, focus on why did I fall in love with this game? What can I do to help like, control myself in these situations, and so a lot of it was like, a lot of it was biting my tongue and, you know, trying to like, put myself in a situation where I was very uncomfortable in learning how to grow and deal with that. uncomfortability. And, you know, I didn't ultimately, and we can get to this in a bit, but like, I didn't ultimately see a therapist until recently, like, within the past couple of years. But the more and more that I look back on that, you know, the dugout, fiasco, I can like, look back, and I can say, yeah, like, it kind of makes sense that I was reacting that way. And just the, like, how much I've grown in terms of like, my mental health, my approach my personal life, everything how I handle these situations, man, if I could do it all over again, it would be such a different story.

21:55

Yeah, I think though, sometimes we need those, like defining moments to shape to shape future, future selves. But honestly, I commend you because I, I mean, I went to school with a lot of hotheads and like, let's just say they'd be like bar fights, or I mean, yeah, we'd have guys who would like be punching each other in the middle of practice. Like, it's just like, wild and like, none of them ever, you know, came to the conclusion that like, probably not the way to the way to deal with your friends. Yeah, maybe like, let's not but no, so I think that's, I think that's really epic. Alright, so then you graduate. What, what does Connor do after he graduates? What does he want to do? And yeah, lead us into

22:38

it. So. So I graduated. It's funny, because my spring college semester, I'm my senior year, I'm like, sitting in my dorm room. It's like March and I'm like, Man, I graduate here in two months, I don't really know what I'm going to be doing. Yeah, I didn't have a job lined up or anything. And so my first initial reaction was to, like, just find something for the summer, like maybe I can find like a post grad summer internship, you know, for a couple months or whatever. I knew that I wanted to work in sports. Like that was just something that I knew that I wanted to do, I never was thinking I was the type of guy who's gonna sit at a job, like at a desk, nine to five, like crunching numbers and all that stuff. Like, that's just not the type of person I am and more respect to the people that do do that. But that just wasn't me. And so I was like, you know, what, I want to work in sports. I'm getting my degree in marketing, I love kind of like the social media aspect of marketing, branding, all that stuff. And so I was looking for marketing jobs. And I actually saw an internship with Harvard athletics. And so I was like, oh, Harvard, like, Sure, I'll apply it's in mathletics, it's sports, like, great, this is gonna be so cool, not get much about it. And then long story short, I land a 10 month long internship with them doing, like creative media for them. So a lot of like photo video projects for social media, which was so cool, because I was like, This is sweet. Because I get to work in sports. I just finished my college career. And so I felt like I could relate to a lot of these student athletes. It's in a great city of Boston, and, you know, just Harvard, just in general, it's like, how can you really pass that up? And so, after, after the internship, I did, I got hired full time by them in the athletic department, which was so much fun. And I spent a total of three and a half, almost four years at Harvard. And that was such a such an awesome experience. I mean, you know, to form relationships with student athletes especially you know, that caliber caliber you know, at Harvard out of all places like was so special because we always talked about in the athletic department like you never know who the next president is gonna be like it could be someone who rose crew there could be you know, women's basketball player and so it's it's so cool to like work with these individuals on a day in and day out basis and really get to know them and form relationships with them and the fact that I played college athletics and grew up playing you know, sports like that was something that I felt like I could relate to them in such a different sense and different you know, degree as like someone else who in athletic department who may not have had that experience and so Yeah, that's what I did for about three and a half, four years after after graduation, which was so cool. You know, I wouldn't I wouldn't trade that back. And whenever people ask me like, my favorite thing about Harvard and like that experience, the first thing I say, is the student athletes and working with those incredible people, because it's so cool. It's like, everybody comes from such different unique backgrounds and experiences, and, you know, doing projects with field hockey players, to wrestlers, to fencers and everything in between, like, it was just one of those things where I can meet a new student athlete every single day and like, learn something new from them in that was like a cool, really cool experience.

25:35

Yeah, I think like working with sports and staying involved is like, I don't know, it's yeah, it's really cool. I mean, through like Morgans message and stuff. That's been something that I've liked is like that having that, like, convert those conversations with, you know, current or former student athletes. What I did kind of chuckle at is the you don't know who's going to be the next president. In my mind. I was like, oh, yeah, like all the basketball boys. Like, it's pretty close to seeing them in the NBA. And then I was like, Wait, Harvard is like actually like, they will probably become the president of the United States. That's like, kind of crazy.

26:07

Start businesses with their free time. It's wild.

26:12

Like Harvard was Harvard was not for me. Yeah. Nothing wrong with Harvard. Just not not my not my drumbeat. Um, no, I hear Yeah. So at Harvard, were there any projects you did that kind of stood out to you? And I guess, like, even pushed, pushed further, this this notion of, you know, mental health? And yeah, yeah,

26:37

I think I think, you know, as I kind of talked about earlier, like, growing up, and like my experience with, you know, baseball, playing and in college and everything, like, you know, I was very aware of kind of like the mental health approach the mental approach to athletics and everything in between. And I got to work on a pretty cool project with a field hockey player, my, my last year at Harvard, and essentially, it was like, I wanted to really do like kind of these long form video pieces, really humanizing a lot of these student athletes and wanting to say, hey, it's not like all sunshine and rainbows where people come from, and then they're at Harvard. And it's just perfect, you know, and I was doing this piece with this field hockey player, I'll never forget, you know, she talked about like her experience growing up. She's originally from New Zealand, her experience with field hockey, how she got into it, and everything, and then her kind of like the transition going from, you know, I think Secondary School to, to Harvard, and like that whole process and experience was like, and I'll never forget, the first thing that she talked about, like when she was describing that process is that she, looking back at the experience, probably should have been diagnosed with depression, with anxiety, and all this stuff. And it was really interesting to hear her talk about the struggle that she had transitioning to a place like Harvard because she, she said that being at a place like Harvard, and playing field hockey, because of those things. She didn't feel like she deserved to be reaching out for help. And that was something that really kind of opened my eyes, because it made me realize, hey, like, wow, like, someone who has worked so hard to get to Harvard. And now they're at Harvard, they're playing field hockey, you know, they're pursuing their dreams, like, didn't feel like she deserved to reach out for help. Because any other person would be like, Oh, you're at Harvard, you can't complain, or you're playing field hockey, you're playing college athletics, you can't complain about things like you've got it so good, when in reality, it's like, no, she was struggling so hard her freshman year, her freshman semester, you know, spring and fall semester that it got to a point where she almost like dropped out of school completely, almost stopped playing field hockey, and that was a wake up call where I was like, wow, like, a lot of these people, not just athletes, you know, everybody deals with so many emotions, feelings that don't feel like they can reach out for help because of x y&z For whatever reasons. And, you know, that was something for me that kind of like really woke me up. And I was thinking about my experiences being like, wow, like, at the time, like, back in college, like, I didn't necessarily feel like I could, you know, reach out for help, because I was playing college baseball, because I was doing this because I was even going to college in the first place. You know, like, that's such a privilege that a lot of people don't necessarily have, in that kind of experience of working with her and more specifically, like, how open Harvard was about mental health, for doing everything, you know, different resources and everything like that, like I was like, wow, this is this is something that's so cool, something that I want to support an advocate for, because someone who has been, you know, very emotional, like very in tune with my thoughts and feelings. And, you know, that's kind of what really kick started me to be an advocate about men's mental health. And then obviously, more specifically what I'm doing now currently with Movember, it's just been such a such a cool process to see that that one project with her has really like opened the door and like shine a lot of light to me in my experience and kind of navigating, you know, my advocacy for men's mental health specifically.