Finding Your Fire

By Ava Mark | IG: @Avaamark & @_Fuelyourfire_

I will be a sophomore this fall on the LIU women’s lacrosse team, and I could not be more excited for the season to come. Getting here, however, was quite a journey. And it isn’t over yet. 

I used to think I was prepared for everything, every time I stepped onto the field. I have always worked hard in practice, been close to my teammates and coaches, and stayed incredibly proud and excited to play on a team. I gave it my all, and because I did, I developed a kind of faith that it all would work out right, regardless of wins and losses.

This changed for me, two years ago, in an instant on the field. I received a pass and accelerated to full speed, a defender approached me, and I planted my left foot to pivot past her. But when I did, I instead heard a loud sound, felt an explosion of pain in my knee, and fell to the ground. I also realized, in that same instant, exactly what had happened. The ACL in my left knee had ruptured completely. I had always heard of athletes with the injury, and even knew many who had recovered – I just never thought it would happen to me. 

In addition, I had no idea at all what it would mean for me, and what the recovery would look like. I just knew it was bad, and that my dream of playing D1 lacrosse in college might have ended in that same instant. The year before had been lost to COVID, and coaches I had spoken with were already on the fence. Because I lived in California, they had video on me but still hadn’t actually seen me play live – unlike girls on the East Coast. Still, I once was asked what word I would use to describe myself. I answered with “unstoppable”. I didn’t know why I chose that word. Now, I know. 

A few days after the injury, I got an MRI and we met with several expert doctors. The solution would be surgery (ACL Reconstruction, to be exact), and the recovery would be long and hard, but I would play again they all said. At that point, though, I didn’t totally believe them. With tears in my eyes, I was still hurting so much inside that I couldn’t see anything positive in the future. I was on the verge of giving up. 

But I didn’t.

Since the injury and the surgery, I have battled, in every sense. The doctor rebuilt my knee, but I have rebuilt my body and my spirit, and I truly am better for it. Which is to say that I have learned from it. 

I’ve learned that really bad things do happen, and while I will never be prepared for all of them, I can be prepared to respond and get through. I’ve learned that some people and coaches will turn away from you when you’re hurt, but that there are also friends, teammates and coaches who will never leave your side. I’ve learned that no feeling is final. I’ve learned to believe in myself, and I’ve begun to find ways to help other young female athletes survive doubt and disappointment, and thrive on the field and beyond. I’ve realized that helping people helps me, and that I want to pursue a career in nursing. There was indeed one D1 coach who never stopped believing in me, and amazingly, the school also has a top nursing program. 

I dedicated the past two years to ‘embracing the suck,’ all with the end goal of competing again. Throughout my recovery, it was grueling – physically and mentally – and despite my unrelenting efforts, it often seemed that my progress was stagnant. And just as it seemed like everything was finally falling into place, new challenges emerged, reshaping the course ahead.

Competing at the highest level, everyone strives to be the best, relentlessly pursuing excellence each day. I held high expectations for myself because I believe that I’m capable of achieving through effort and commitment. Those expectations quickly became suffocating, throughout my recovery especially, I felt that everyone was expecting me to make this amazing comeback but I was nowhere close to where I thought I would be. Going into the fall my freshman year, I had these expectations for myself that, now looking back on, were unrealistic for where I was at – not just physically but mentally. I ended up not passing my return to play testing the second week of practice. I asked myself, what was the purpose of this? 

Maybe the purpose was continuing despite it all. 

I could forget everything and run away – or I could face everything and rise. The choice was mine. I needed to focus on my strengths and work on my weaknesses. No one else was going to do it for me, I needed to do this myself. 

However, I was not alone. My family has supported me in everything I have ever done, they are my foundation. Leaving home in California for New York was not easy. Originally, my older brother, Will Mark, planned to be a senior at LIU but he had the opportunity to finish his career at Syracuse (and I could not be prouder.) Will is not only my older brother, but he’s my inspiration. I know how hard he’s fought to be where he is right now. Growing up with his presence has made me who I am. There’s a fire inside me, and he has taught me to fuel it. 

With consistency comes patience, and by winter I was cleared for full contact. I kept working- in the classroom and on the field. I’ve learned now to not put on any expectation that is not real. Spring season, my first college lacrosse season, was starting. I was convinced again that this was it, this was what I was waiting for. It took me a while to accept that I didn’t trust myself,  I was just not ready. Acceptance enables us to acknowledge our strengths and weaknesses without judgment, fostering self-awareness and a willingness to learn. This foundation creates an environment where growth becomes possible. By adopting a growth mindset, individuals view challenges as opportunities for development rather than setbacks. This perspective encourages the pursuit of continuous improvement, the exploration of new strategies, and the resilience to overcome. As a person, acceptance fosters empathy and understanding for oneself and others, promoting healthier relationships and a more positive outlook. And as a player, a growth mindset instills a hunger for learning, refining skills, and adapting to different situations. 

Ultimately I made the decision to redshirt, and that was the best decision I could have made. Due to my injury, I had to take on different roles. I was a student of the game, not by choice, however, this time around I was able to be a player and still be a student. I wasn’t on the field, I was on the sidelines. I realized that this was now my role, and how can I give it my all to support my team. 

To inspire means to breathe life into, to be inspiring you also have to be inspired yourself - you have to nurture it in order to give it. Starting everyday with the mindset of inspiring one is a way to continue to love and to continue to grow. Everyone has a role, whether you feel it or not. As a teammate, classmate, friend- we are all human. Trust yourself, and work for it. 

So, what’s the next good thing you can do?