Regaining Life
By: Nicolette Caneda | @nickifit22
TW: eating disorders
As an athlete for as long as I can remember, I have learned to be resilient. I have learned to never settle, there is always more to do and you can always be getting better. I also learned that when I want something, I don’t stop until I get it. These traits have been my biggest attributes to teams I've been on and have refined my personal development. As great as these qualities are in athletes, they also are our hardest opponents that we battle each and every day. I don't exactly remember the season, day, or moment that my sport became a little less fun and a lot more like a job. I began to beat myself down when things weren’t “perfect” and had trouble celebrating little victories.
When everything stopped over quarantine, no practices, games, or tournaments left me with an inability to be in control of this important part of my life. It left me searching for anything else that I could be in complete control of. I decided that this time alone at home all by myself, not knowing when normal life would return, I was going to get back on the field and be “perfect.”
I was terrified of losing all the progress I had made and with that, I lost myself. I turned to the only thing I could find that would be entirely up to me: food. Every single calorie that went in and out of my body was tracked. I devoted my time to learning everything I could about food, calories, and anything that could help me lose weight.
As a soccer player, my legs were always bigger than most girls and my stomach wasn’t always the flattest. I wanted to change that. At first, it was great I was losing body fat and I was excited about it. Finally, something I could control again, and hitting goals were my high. But I wanted more. To lose more strictly meant to eat less.
This all started with the goal of NOT losing my progress and I ended up driving myself into the ground, losing more progress on myself and my game than I could have ever imagined. I lost muscle and felt worse about the way I looked than I ever had. I went from a perfectly happy and healthy athlete to an irritable and unhappy undernourished girl. My senior soccer season in high school and on my club team completely passed me by. I didn't make the most of any practice or game in that final year approaching college the way I wanted to.
I was in a trance and addicted to control. I didn’t see myself in the way others did. I was confused because I was being told “you got so skinny”, “you look amazing”, “what's your secret?!”. All of the things people told me to lift me up were actually triggering. They didn’t realize there were days I would stay in because I hated the way I looked, or summer days that I refused to walk around in a bathing suit because I was so nervous.
My experiences have proved that eating disorders and body dysmorphia among athletes are NOT something to be ignored and especially aren't something we know enough about. There are so many resources to help you get better. Some are as simple as leaning on someone. I never wanted to allow myself to ask for help but that is one of the things that helped me the most. Follow a few of the countless body-positive social media pages. Do what you can to remove yourself from the negatives on social media and flood your feed with what YOU need. That is what motivated me to start my page, @nickifit22, on Instagram. I want this to be a safe place for people who struggle like me so we can work through it together!
A healthy lifestyle is defined in a variety of ways and society puts so much pressure on us all to meet certain standards. We need to understand we may never look or be able to eat the way some Instagram Influencers do. We are full-time student-athletes living one of the most, if not the most, active lifestyles anyone our age could be living. So why are we even comparing?
The sport I was playing my whole life became more of a day-to-day job instead of being something I enjoyed, and all because I played with so much fear of not being the best. That mindset right there is what stunted my development. I know other athletes feel this way and I want to be an outlet for you. You are not alone.
My main goal in life is to help people.
I want to learn more every day and share what I learn with whoever wants to learn from me. I want to share my story and prove to you that if you don't break the cycle and let this way of living completely take over you, you will never truly appreciate the greatness in every day. Let me tell you, skipping meals doesn't make you look better, and canceling plans sure doesn't help relationships. You are blessed to be living this wonderful life each and every day. Use every day as a clean slate and absorb every wonderful moment for what it is.
I am now playing at Manhattan College and growing each and every day. I will not tell you that change is instantaneous and painless. I still struggle a lot but that is okay. We are all doing our best. The athlete community, family, friends, Morgan's Message, coaches, teammates and I want to help you and are here for you.
Want to hear more of Nicolette’s story? Check out this article posted by the Quadrangle, the student newspaper of Manhattan College.
