More Than a Number

By: Tori Bates

Over my 18 years of playing lacrosse, I had to overcome 6 knee surgeries and 3 hand surgeries. It was my resilience, strength, and determination that always kept me going back. Lacrosse had become a significant part of my identity and made people proud of me. 

In February, I hurt my knee again. With barely any cartilage and a weak meniscus; the trainers, coaches, and I discussed and decided it was best to medically disqualify and plan for a knee realignment surgery within the next year. Knowing something that was a part of my life every day for the last 18 years was all of a sudden ripped away from me, greatly affected my physical and mental health. I became very depressed, barely ate, and stopped recognizing the person in the mirror. Now that I did not have a jersey on, I began to question my role and purpose on this team. Like me, many athletes are able to internalize all these feelings and hide the pain from the people we are surrounded by. I felt like the worst part about it was the fact that there was no one who understood the true grief of a career-ending injury. 

There were many people offering help, support, and advice; however, I was reluctant to open up, did not want to be a burden, and felt that no one could truly relate. I think that when an athlete faces this type of challenge they lose much more than just the sport. They lose that feeling of validation and achievement, the sense of belongingness, and the joy it brought not only to them but to the people who supported them. 

We must bring to light the fact that our lives are a lot more than the number on our jerseys, the amount of playing time we get, or the goals we score. We must continue to raise awareness of mental health among athletes. We as athletes, coaches, staff, and parents must keep the conversation going. You are not just an athlete. You are a friend, a student, a daughter, a son, a teammate, and most importantly you are strong, inspiring, kind, intelligent, and worthy.