Losing Myself While Living My Dream

By Emerie Loftis | IG: @emerie.loftis62

My name is Emerie Loftis, I’m a field hockey goalkeeper from Richmond, Virginia, and this is my story. It all started when I was 11 years old and was finally able to live out my dream of playing contact sports. Growing up, sports were out of the picture for me as I had a neurological condition called epilepsy. This meant that I could have seizures at any given moment and therefore the thought of playing competitively was merely a dream. When I was 11 years old I was lucky enough to outgrow epilepsy, and for one of the first times in my life, I was preparing for sports practice. 

My mom signed me up for field hockey because it was unique and seemed like a fun place to start. From the moment I picked up a stick I knew that this sport would be my future. By the time I was 12 I was already playing goalie and I couldn’t get enough of it. I begged and begged to go to extra practices and start playing for a club. Before I knew it, I had joined a travel team and met my first coaches. Up until that point, everything was just fun and games, but the moment I joined my second club I knew that field hockey was my future.

By the time I was 14 I had a goal to play in college. I was finally learning how to hold my own and my future was starting to look bright. I decided to join a program through USA Field Hockey called Futures. This program was the Olympic Development Pipeline and at the time, it was the biggest stage for field hockey at my age. After my first year I was selected to play in the National Futures Championship and for the first time in my life, I felt like I truly accomplished one of my dreams. As I got older and further into the pipeline I ended up being selected to play in the Junior Olympics. This moment was crucial not only for my development but also for my recruiting. 

It was during that tournament that I was getting recognized by colleges that I never thought possible. After hearing back from multiple coaches and programs, I began to narrow down my list. Then, only a few months later, in September of 2019 I achieved one of my biggest goals. I committed to play D1 field hockey at the University of Delaware. This was a moment I never expected and a time I will never forget. 

At this point, everything seemed to be lining up. I found my passion, I achieved my goal, and I was finally working towards my dream of playing D1 field hockey for one of the most decorated programs in the Mid-Atlantic. It was during this time that my resume began to grow. I had just committed to playing in college, I won a state championship, I was being recognized at the national level and then…COVID happened. This meant field hockey was put on pause for a bit but I was still determined to prepare for college. Quarantine gave me a reason to work harder on my fitness and focus more on reviewing film while I awaited my college career.

Before I knew it, college was here. My first semester at Delaware was nothing short of eventful. After getting injured in preseason I spent much of my fall in rehab working towards getting back into practice. As our season came to an end, I was finally starting to feel better. And just like that, offseason came around. During this time I was struggling immensely with my mental health. I did absolutely everything I could to try and get better. I went to therapy, I started taking medication for anxiety, I even went to a nutritionist, but nothing was working. 

Through all of this, I really began to struggle. There were many days when I went to bed early to try and kill time and then woke up with unbearable anxiety. The thought of going to practice quite literally scared me. I had a fear of failing and the more time that went by, the worse my fear got. I started developing not only a hatred for my sport, but also for myself. For 6 years my whole identity was my sport, so losing my passion really felt like losing myself.  After months and months of consideration, I decided in the summer of 2022 that my upcoming fall at the University of Delaware would be my last.

For some reason, even though I enjoyed practically everything about Delaware, something never clicked and I never felt truly myself there. Each day it felt like something had gone wrong and I had no way of fixing it. And while all of my problems and insecurities were small, they began to build up and made my life feel absolutely miserable. 

After finishing the fall season as a cheerleader on the bench and a dedicated teammate, it was time for end of season meetings. When I got to my meeting, I had everything planned out. Although I kept playing scenarios over and over in my head, you can never prepare yourself for a moment like that. Walking out of that meeting and telling my coaches I was entering the transfer portal was one of the hardest things I have ever done. It felt like leaving a life I worked so hard to create. 

But I came to realize things about myself after that meeting. During my time at Delaware, field hockey became not my outlet but my enemy. I was working so hard towards something I didn’t even think I wanted anymore. And while leaving that school meant leaving behind my childhood dream, it also allowed me to find myself again.

I eventually decided that what mattered most to me was finding my love for my sport. And that meant putting myself in an environment where I knew I would thrive. After much consideration, I decided to reroute and I am now playing the rest of my career at West Chester University. While many people saw leaving Delaware as giving up, I know that for me it was just turning a page and starting a new chapter. 

To all the athletes that feel like they are losing themselves each day, and to those who are scared to go to practice for the fear of letting themselves down; I see you, I feel you, and you are not alone. If my story teaches you anything, it should be to never forget that you are so much more than an athlete. Your future is not dependent on the records you break, but rather, the person you are. So to quote F. Scott Fitzgerald, “I hope you live a life you are proud of, and if you’re not, I hope you have the courage to start again.”

Emerie Loftis #62