Dear Anxiety, Thank You.

By Hailey Yentz | IG: @hailey_yentz

Dear Anxiety, 

You have been a weight on my shoulder for a while now and I recently just decided to open about you and get help. Constantly sitting around wandering into space thinking about how you aren’t good enough or wishing you weren’t fighting this daily battle. This is something I wish I knew the answer to as to why I feel like I am being tested by the power of life and through my athletics. That feeling of being afraid to fail over and over when all I’ve been faced with is challenge after challenge. When all I do is pour my heart and soul into the one thing that keeps me sane, but how can I do that when it’s not fun or enjoyable because I let my anxiety take over and control my mind with self-doubt and negative talk? The number of times I get frustrated because I just want to be happy and successful in what I do but anxiety has others plans.  So bad right now that I’ve experienced panic attacks which are very scary. The worrying gets worse before it gets better and sometimes, I wish I knew why. You have at sometimes in my life taken my happiness away because you are bringing me down and affecting my everyday tasks like the sport of running. Oh, how you have made it hard to show up motivated and ready to run when deep down you are eating me alive inside. From the outside, some may never know what I am dealing with because I put on a fake smile to try and hide it but deep down no I am not okay and I know this too shall pass but in the moment it feels like the world was just closing in and everything around me felt like a chore. When I have fear and panic, I know it’s you doing what you do best; controlling me but when I learn myself to turn off your thoughts and work it out with my therapists you anxiety become smaller and I realize you aren’t in control of me and my thoughts, I am! You have made me feel like I am going to war with myself because everything and anything deeply going on around me I tended to keep to myself and go quiet in times when I really needed people the most. It is a long journey with you and something I will always live with and suffer from, but you are getting under control and the real Hailey is getting to become more like herself and gain her confidence back after you took her self-doubt and confidence. So, thank you for breaking me down and tearing me apart because after all, it made me build myself up and become a fighter. 

I often get asked how it is to struggle with this “illness” and all I say is getting help and going to see a therapist and a sports psychologist. I can’t express the importance of how others view mental health as a weakness, but for me I see it as a strength and have just decided to embrace my struggles. I have been a mental health advocate for myself and others for a couple years this past year and I wouldn’t change that for anything. It has taken me a lot to come out of my comfort zone and say that I struggle with anxiety and even some depression as well and my confidence especially when I try and wrap my head around the running side of my mental health. I never truly realized I was at such a low in my life fighting these silent battles alone until the people around me started to care and wanted me to get better. For me, comparison is my worst enemy and I would be in a constant state of wishing I was normal and living my happiest life but deep down I was not okay. I started to get in my head a lot, with workouts, questioning my worth, and what I was to the team because the one thing that brought me joy, running, suddenly felt like a chore waking up to do every day. Recently, I got injured and was put on crutches after being at the worst I have ever been, and personally, I think that is when I truly realized I was okay. Taking this break from running helped fix my mind in a way I didn’t think was possible after already suffering from many stress fractures. I remember talking to my mom about this and she asked how my mind was, and I said that I feel really good, and she said “Maybe this happened for a reason” so you can heal your mind and come back stronger. I took that into consideration and did all the coping methods I have been taught in therapy, and I felt perfectly content and a sense of happiness and calmness. Now, for me to say that took a lot of courage because I actually meant it and fast forward to now, my anxiety is calm, I am finally in my happiness era, and I am on the return to run progression at East Carolina and I want to thank my support systems, friends, family, teammates, trainers for this shoulder to lean on despite not being myself. This is my story and it might not be perfect or finished yet, but for those who are going through the same thing I have experienced, just not that your feelings are 100% valid, you matter, and you are loved, and just know that it’s okay to not be okay, and most importantly at the end of the day, you are human and that should come before any sport. So, thank you.