Blades of Resilience: My Journey Through Trauma as an Athlete
By Michelle Deutsch | IG: @ms.hockeygrlpink & @missnorwichctvolunteer
When I was a little girl, I was diagnosed with Autism. The diagnosis came with a storm of challenges and uncertainties. I was often bullied and told that I would never be able to play organized sports, let alone tie my shoes properly. These words were more than just discouraging—they were devastating to a young girl with dreams of excelling as a figure skater. The ice rink was my sanctuary, a place where I felt free, graceful, and in control. Yet, as I worked tirelessly to advance and perform to the best of my abilities, the discouragement I faced both on and off the ice became a significant obstacle. My peers often made fun of me for my quirks and chubbiness, adding to the weight of my struggles. Their harsh words and actions left me feeling isolated, an outsider in a world where I desperately wanted to belong. At the age of twelve, I made a difficult decision: I quit figure skating. However, this decision was not the end of my athletic journey but the beginning of a new chapter. I wanted to hang up my figure skates in exchange for hockey skates. The allure of hockey—a sport characterized by its speed, intensity, and teamwork—drew me in with an irresistible pull.
However, the professionals in my life were quick to caution my family and me. They warned that individuals with my diagnosis could not excel in sports. These words echoed the same doubts I had heard before, but this time, I was ready to challenge them head-on. With persistence and persuasion, my family eventually supported my decision, and I joined my local youth hockey team. The first year was a struggle. Hockey was an entirely new sport for me, and as the only girl on the team, I felt the weight of proving myself even more. I faced a steep learning curve with skill work and game positioning. The early days were filled with falls, missed passes, and a constant struggle to keep up with my teammates. Yet, I was not deterred. I knew that mastering this sport would take time, effort, and an unyielding spirit.
To accelerate my learning, I began training with a private hockey group in my home state. These sessions were grueling, but they were exactly what I needed. Slowly but surely, I honed my skills, becoming more confident on the ice. I learned to skate faster, handle the puck better, and understand the intricacies of game strategy. Each small victory fueled my determination to keep pushing forward. Despite the progress, the path ahead was still fraught with challenges. Starting hockey later than my peers—both male and female—meant I had to work twice as hard to catch up. The initial isolation I felt was compounded by the occasional bullying from those who doubted my abilities. Yet, these experiences only strengthened my resolve. I refused to let negativity and doubt define my journey. My determination began to pay off. I started to make noticeable improvements, not just in my skills, but in my confidence and resilience. I found strength in the support of my family and the few who believed in me. My teammates, once skeptical, began to see my dedication and respect my efforts. I eventually started playing ice hockey at the prep school level at a private boarding school in Rhode Island from 2015-2017, which marked a significant achievement in my life. The autistic girl who would not be able to play sports or tie her shoes was playing hockey at a prep school level.
To keep in shape before the regular season, I discovered a hockey league in nearby Massachusetts. This U19 tier 2 league seemed like the perfect fit for me. I eagerly joined and quickly found a supportive community, making new friends and feeling a sense of belonging. The experience was mostly positive, but in early 2018, my journey took a dark turn. I was offered private hockey lessons and as a dedicated athlete looking to improve, I accepted, not realizing the sinister path this would lead me down.
From the very first lesson, this man began to groom me for sexual abuse. He positioned himself as a mentor and confidant, exploiting my vulnerabilities and insecurities. Initially, he played the role of a caring therapist, someone who seemed to understand my struggles both on and off the ice. His attentiveness made me feel special and valued, something I had been seeking in my athletic endeavors. However, his behavior soon shifted from supportive mentorship to inappropriate and predatory actions. He began to compliment my looks in ways that made me uncomfortable, asking intrusive questions about my personal life, such as whether I had a boyfriend. His comments became increasingly suggestive, hinting at desires that were far from professional. He would tell me that he wanted to be with me in a dark room, and though I felt uneasy, I was confused and unsure how to react.
At that time, I had never experienced grooming or sexual abuse before and couldn't fully grasp what was happening. The idea that he could be using his position to exploit me was something I struggled to accept. I found myself caught in a web of manipulation, where his dual roles as coach and abuser blurred the lines of what was appropriate and safe. As the lessons continued, the emotional toll on me grew heavier. He began to isolate me further, creating a sense of dependency on his approval and guidance. The once enjoyable hockey sessions turned into moments of dread and confusion. He crossed boundaries that left me feeling violated and powerless. I was subjected to inappropriate comments and unwanted sexual physical contact, which escalated over time. The pain and confusion were overwhelming, and I struggled to reconcile the image of a trusted coach with the reality of his actions. But despite the darkness of this period, it also marked the beginning of my awakening. I started to see the discrepancies between his actions and what I knew to be right. The realization that I was being manipulated and abused was painful, but it was also the first step toward reclaiming my power and voice.
My journey through the ice hockey league became more than just about hockey—it was about resilience and the fight to protect my dignity and well-being. As I navigated this challenging time, I began to seek out support and find ways to extricate myself from his influence. The experience, though harrowing, strengthened my resolve to stand up against those who sought to exploit and harm me. I eventually reported my coach to the United States Center for Safesport, USA Hockey, and the authorities in late 2018. I obtained a restraining order against him almost immediately. However, the journey towards justice for what I experienced was a harrowing ordeal that inflicted secondary trauma upon me. Despite summoning the courage to report my abuser, the process was riddled with setbacks and disappointments. The investigators assigned to my case were slow to act, leaving me in a state of limbo for what felt like an eternity. Three months passed before they finally reached out to me, leaving me feeling abandoned and disregarded. The delay only added to the anguish I was already grappling with, prolonging the torment of reliving the traumatic events. Fast forward from December 2018 to the Spring of 2020, and there was still no progress pertaining to my investigation. As if the bureaucratic hurdles weren't enough, I faced another heartbreaking reality, some members of the community chose to side with my abuser. They were oblivious to the darkness lurking beneath his facade, unaware of the pain he had inflicted upon me. Instead, they branded me with degrading names and dismissed my accounts as lies. At that point in time, I quit playing hockey at least temporarily, as it triggered traumatic memories.
The betrayal cut deep, plunging me into a whirlwind of doubt and despair. How could those whom I had once considered allies turn their backs on me so callously? Their words stung like daggers, reopening wounds that I thought were beginning to heal. Just before I was set to transfer to Liberty University in Lynchburg, VA, I attempted suicide as a result of PTSD attacks and feeling so neglected by the world, especially during such an isolating time as the COVID-19 Pandemic. After I was released from the hospital following this tragic event, I knew that I needed to turn my life around and enjoy the beauties of this world, regardless of the outcome of the investigation and whether justice was rendered against my perpetrator. Once I moved into my new college (previously the Catholic University of America), my faith in Jesus was rekindled through Liberty University’s abundance of bible clubs and worship nights. I also gained quality friendships which gave me a sense of community, and fulfilled my dream of playing collegiate ice hockey, even though there were many days I wanted to quit the team (just like I quit from 2018-2020) due to the myriad mental health struggles I was battling with daily. I was also on the moot court and mock trial teams, fueled by my desire to become a prosecutor of sex crimes and human trafficking as a result of my situation. But while I participated in high-achieving athletic and academic pursuits, suicidal thoughts continued to invade my mind. I learned overtime who I could confide in for guidance and validation while I struggled with my inner demons. Connecting with my community in a positive manner made a huge difference in my healing journey. Amidst the sea of disbelief and hostility, I found solace in the unwavering support of those who stood by me.Their belief in my truth became a lifeline, anchoring me amidst the storm. Their voices drowned out the cacophony of doubt and ridicule, reminding me that I was not alone in this fight. Their unwavering faith in my resilience and integrity fueled my determination to press forward, even when the odds seemed insurmountable. Though the road was fraught with obstacles and setbacks, I refused to be silenced or intimidated into submission. I became a beacon of hope for others who had suffered in silence, a testament to the resilience of the human spirit in the face of adversity.
Slowly but surely, the wheels of justice began to turn. With each step forward, I reclaimed a sense of agency and empowerment that had been stripped away from me. The truth emerged from the shadows, shedding light on the darkness that had plagued me for so long. My perpetrator was suspended from coaching in May of 2021 and exposed in a Boston Globe Article while I was still attending Liberty University to obtain my Law & Policy degree. I was disheartened that my perpetrator was only temporarily suspended, considering the abundance of evidence I presented and the amount of pain he inflicted upon me. But my journey towards justice was no longer just a quest for personal vindication—it was a rallying cry for change. It exposed the flaws in a system that too often fails to protect the most vulnerable among us. It challenged the stigma and misconceptions surrounding sexual abuse, sparking crucial conversations about consent, accountability, and solidarity. My diagnosis of Autism and experiences with sexual abuse did not limit my ability to be a voice for the vulnerable
Today, I am a proud graduate of Liberty University (May 23’), where I obtained my BS in Law & Policy with a 3.87 GPA (Summa Cum Laude), won awards for my participation in moot court and mock trial, published an honors program senior thesis, and played on the hockey team and competed at a high level in powerlifting. I will be attending law school in the fall of 2026, where I will pursue a career in criminal prosecution to champon justice and glorify God. This upcoming July 27th, 2024, I will be participating in a pageant, vying for the title of Miss Connecticut Volunteer. My platform is titled “Preventing Abuse Among Vulnerable Populations.” To proliferate my platform, I have been volunteering with autistic children, ministering to victims of traumatic events, working as a crisis counselor and direct support professional, participating as a board member of my local suicide prevention coalition, and ardently advocating for change. I thank God for His Divine intervention and the opportunities He has presented me with to Glorify His Kingdom. Ultimately God used an evil situation and turned it into an opportunity to make a difference in the lives of so many other survivors. My Autism diagnosis and experiences with sexual trauma did not limit the ability for me to reach my dreams and be a voice for the most vulnerable people in our society.
Though the road ahead may still be fraught with uncertainty, I refuse to be silenced or sidelined by fear. I am a survivor, a warrior, a voice for those who have been silenced by shame and stigma. And as I continue to navigate the complexities of healing and recovery, I am reminded that my story is not defined by the darkness that once consumed me, but by the light of resilience, courage, and hope that shines within. And though the scars of my past may never fully fade, I ultimately emerged from the crucible of adversity stronger, wiser, and more determined than ever before.
