A Smile Goes a Long Way
By Kya Lasky | IG: kyalasky
Growing up as a student-athlete it is common to face struggles, it is part of life, right? I was taught that “rough patches along our journeys will continue to occur in our lives for as long as you live.” Although I always believed my “rough patch” would be a bad grade or a broken limb. I believed wrong. My battle is a mental challenge that is rapidly growing in our society today that many teens, including myself, lose themselves to.
For as long as I can remember I have agonized over speaking up for myself and presenting in class due to fear of judgement. Walking into a place I was not familiar with or a place where the faces of people were not familiar due to xenophobia; the fear of the unknown. Changing my personality or mood to match those around me, because I believed if I was similar to the person I was speaking to they would be more fond of me. Experiencing constant panic attacks to the point I would throw up and sometimes escalate to fainting. My family always questioned why I acted this way. It was not until I was in eighth grade I was sent to the hospital and was diagnosed with severe social anxiety; I now know what I was being exposed to.
Balancing social anxiety and the sport of lacrosse was difficult for me. I have been playing the game of lacrosse since I was five years old, it was a common sport among my family. Both of my parents were coaches, my brother played for fifteen years, and I grew up playing with my sister during our first 5 years of the game. Lacrosse had always been a sport I enjoyed and found peace while playing until I had the constant thought in the back of my head that my teammates thought I was a poor athlete, my coaches did not think I was good enough, I am not performing to my full ability, I am too quiet and much more. It was a frequent bark in my head of my thoughts rather than words people spoke. Participating in college camps, club clinics, and joining new teams was always a difficult time for me because I knew I was far from being the type of person who could talk to anyone and make a new friend on the spot. I also experienced countless panic anxiety during my games which caused me to rethink my participation in lacrosse.
During freshman year I attended the Carmel Catholic high school girls lacrosse summer camp. I was so excited for my first day of camp, I have been playing the game of lacrosse since I was five years old therefore I was an experienced player and had grown to find happiness within the game. I told myself there was no need to work myself up and get nervous because I had grown up in the Carmel community. I knew the head coach since he had coached with my father at the high school and I had already played with a couple of the upperclassmen due to them being on my father's team. Even with those recognizable faces that did not stop my anxiety from sparking up when I was walking through the parking lot towards the field. I grew to be very dizzy causing me to see white spots, my body began to visibly shake and my legs grew very weak. This was not my first panic attack so I knew how to maintain myself and push it down, or so I thought. I sat myself down next to a random car and was uncontrollably crying and shaking in the parking lot of the high school. I tried to call my mom, but when she picked up I could not make any words. No sound left my mouth. I couldn’t ask for help. The faces I did know were nowhere around, and the view of an absurd amount of unknown faces caused more panic in my mind. The camp had been going on for 20 minutes now and I remained seated on the parking lot ground with my head between my bent knees and arms wrapped around my head, that was until a red jeep pulled in next to me. “Hey hon are you okay?“ I was unfamiliar with the voice so I refused to look up. A senior on the girl’s lacrosse team had stepped out of her red jeep, bent down to the common ground on floor level, and grabbed the bottom of my chin tilting it up to meet her face eye to eye. She smiled at me.
That simple smile had slowly calmed my rapidly running mind. She wiped the tears rolling down my rosy cheeks and said to me softly “Hey how about we walk into camp together, we can be the fashionable late freshman-senior duo!” With no words leaving my mouth, I shook my head “Yes” and she helped me up from the ground. We walked into lacrosse camp together late and she stayed by my side the entire hour and a half.
The small act of a kind smile from a girl I did not know helped guide me. From summer camp to morning preseason workouts to the actual season I experienced less of an anxious feeling every time I walked onto the lacrosse field because I got to witness the beauty of a smile each day. I had still struggled with the obstacle of social anxiety and during each game, I continued to question myself if I was good enough to be a freshman starter on varsity. Even when I was out on the field from the offense side to the defensive side I saw that specific senior on my team flashing her bright smile at me. In the small act of opening one's mouth I was reminded I am good enough and am worthy of where I am, the anxious feeling was hidden when I was presented with a smile.
Sophomore season came and that senior had gone off to college. I began to seek help for my mental challenge and grew to be a changed person. I was happy with where I was and how I was doing. I constantly reminded myself it was not my anxiety. I am good enough. I am meant to be in this world. With these reminders in my head, I took my well-being state of mind and chose to have that smile that helped others. I am currently still an underclassman on my team, but each day I strive to smile at everyone. A simple smile had helped me come a long way and guided me to seek the positivity that was hiding beneath the overpowering anxious feeling in my head. I now decided to be that simple smile. There is no practice, game, or meeting I do not smile during. If someone is having a poor day, or the best day of their life simply smile, people have not grasped the idea that a gesture so small can go such a long way and be the reason someone remains to be in this world today continuing to live their life.
No one will ever truly understand how I felt fighting through my anxiety, although it is important to speak out against the mental struggles we face for we are not alone. Anxiety is a common challenge many teens face throughout their lives. In this world, many humans choose to hide their feelings and push them aside, pretending that they are not struggling, trying to portray the picture perfect life. My biggest regret was doing so too, it was not until I was struggling so deeply it caused visible harm to myself that more people began to notice which caused me to speak up. Speaking up was the best decision I chose to make. It is so important for those struggling to know they are not alone.
