8 Meter Crash
By Daniela Trinidad | IG: dtrinidad.lax
In the world of lacrosse, the eight-meter mark is a critical zone where intense competition develops. This is where attackers try to score, defenders do everything in their power to stop the ball from going in, and the goalie is trying to stop incoming shots. That half-circle can cause intense stress or relief for a lacrosse player, depending on their role and responsibility. Just as defenders “crash” to stop scoring attempts, similarities can be made to the emotional turmoil of a mental breakdown outside of the white lines of the field. Having experienced the roles of defender, attacker, and goalie within the 8 meters, I have encountered intense pressure and resilience both on and off the lacrosse field. I've crashed inside and outside those white lines.
People always tell you to find something that can create peace for you. For me, that's always been sports. As a little girl doing gymnastics, tennis, and swimming to volleyball and then lacrosse, sports have been my anchor. What people don’t tell you about sports being your place of peace is that it becomes a majority of your life’s mindset and at times part of your identity. My lacrosse journey started my freshman year of high school, my swimming season was over, and the school needed girls for a team. Even though I had very little to no lacrosse experience, I found myself cut from the team during tryouts on my 15th birthday, turning what should have been a day of celebration into one marked by disappointment and sadness.
I didn’t let that stop me; the coach offered me the position of team manager. I attended all practices with my lacrosse stick in hand, doing all the drills determined to learn the game. Through determination and effort, I earned a spot on the team. However, my teammates felt like I didn’t belong there because I was initially cut from the team. I struggled to feel like my high school team was a place I belonged. I thought that the more I practiced and the better I got, my teammates would accept me. I was wrong, I would go home and cry and because I felt so alone and out of place. Sports were not a safe space for me anymore. But I didn't let my loneliness and tears stop me, I was determined to prove myself and would not give up.
The mounting pressure was getting to me and that same year I had my first panic attack. Following a tough loss in a game, all I could think about is what I could have done differently. My mind replayed every missed pass, every decision I questioned, questioning my own worth, Was I good enough? I was so lost in my own thoughts and all of the sudden I felt my throat closing and was unable to breath or talk and felt as though my world was shutting down. I was unable to move, all I could see was all my teammates, opponents, and my mother’s face in fear staring at me and I couldn’t speak. Despite numerous panic attacks, misdiagnoses and treatments that didn’t work, I kept playing lacrosse. I didn’t want to let go of my lacrosse stick and that feeling of defending and stopping a goal.
After various tests and doctor visits I was diagnosed with vocal cord dysfunction, which is caused by my anxiety and stress. Through therapy I noticed the link between my anxiety, vocal cord dysfunction, panic attacks and the external pressures influencing my self-worth. I continued with my lacrosse journey and that year I was awarded most improved player of the year. That summer, I embraced a new chapter with a club lacrosse team, supported by amazing coaches and teammates, I found support in lacrosse and made lasting friendships. Aware of my diagnosis of generalized anxiety disorder and an understanding of vocal cord dysfunction and my panic attacks, I set out to have a better lacrosse season my sophomore year. But the anxiety cycle happened all over again, along with my feeling of not being enough and feeling like an imposter within my team, but this time I had resources and the tools to cope. Even though I was fighting internal battles I strived to create a more inclusive and supportive environment for myself and other teammates in lacrosse.
I soon realized that my other teammates were also suffering in silence with various mental illnesses. My junior year I was determined to make a change. It inspired me to help establish a chapter of Morgan’s Message at my own school, advocating for mental health awareness amongst athletes. The same year I became one of the varsity lacrosse team captains. As a team captain I made sure to support and include all my teammates, making sure that no teammate would feel the isolation and silence I once faced. This same year I was injured and unable to play for almost half the season. After communicating with my team and coach I did everything I could from the sideline to be a supportive teammate. Thankfully, I had the resources and tools to help me through this difficult time.
Through my lacrosse journey, struggles, and self-discovery, I had a new perspective. I finally felt like inside the white lines within the field was my home and a place I belonged. I continued to make amazing friendships with my high school team. I also made the national club team and continue to play lacrosse and be close friends with my co-captains. I wasn't diagnosed with anxiety to have to cope with it and change my life because of dwelling on it. I was diagnosed with it for the purpose of helping other athletes and advocate within our community regarding mental health for athletes facing similar battles both inside and outside the lines of the lacrosse field.
